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Mr. Moon/re-write
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Mr. Moon/re-write |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
Hi poet-people!  I just did some rewriting cause their were some unexplained thngs in it! there still may be. But I'm very bad at critiqueing myself. SO please help me out if you find something that you don't get...Thanks!Best Wishes, Brian. "Mr. Moon" © 2002 Brian Eggertsen, All Rights Reserved Verse 1 Sitting on a sandy beach While the night starts yet a show, Sand slipping through my fingers As she did not long ago Look up at the lonely moon Take a deep breath in it's light, I say you seem like the Perfect listener tonight.... Chorus Mr. Moon, my life's sitting in a dungeon so dark, Cause Diana's love has been stolen from my heart, Got nothing to hold on to anymore. Mr. Moon, my life long dreams shattered just like glass, Tonight my promised future became my crushed past, Know you've heard it all before. But thanks for listening...Mr. Moon... Verse 2 Had everything all planned out But then he showed up again, One smile, I was dead to her Covered me in heavy pain. We had two wonderful years And she leaves me for that guy, Feels like we just said hello Now we're saying goodbye. Chorus Bridge Any advice from one loner to another Since we are both as lonely as can be, Never mind guess I'll get passed it somehow But right now there's only aging memories! Chorus |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
love this, I think it is the first thing I have read of yours, anyway I think the message of the song comes through loud and clear, oh and eloquently, Anya |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
Hmm, I think this deserves a "WoW", hehehe. All of it was great, you did a wonderful job with sticking to the topic and getting your point across. You told the story beautifully, and I especially enjoyed the parts... "Sand slipping through my fingers As she did not long ago" "Mr. Moon, my life long dreams shattered just like glass, Tonight my promised future became my crushed past, Know you've heard it all before. But thanks for listening...Mr. Moon..." .... and, well, the entire second verse. Lol, terrific write, I thank you very much for sharing, this is certainly library material. ~Sky "Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, but now I'm on my knees again" -Creed |
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