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Evylyn
Junior Member
since 2001-06-04
Posts 20
Florida, USA

0 posted 2002-08-23 11:44 PM


Okay, I changed the rhyme scheme a bit on a couple stanzas just to throw you off...




Yearning To...

Break down the doors
Break down the walls
Stop the incessant
cat calls.

Stop the hurt
Halt the pain
Be listened to
once again.

Feel the wind
Experience the magick
Let the old
wounds mend.

Be devoted to one
On the physical plane
And keep
myself sane.

Become unensnared
Become more wise
And please those who
really care.

Drop the facade
Jump the gun
Not care a flip
about fashion.

Quit being afraid
Maintain my dignity
Face my inner monsters with
more certainty.

Be straight-forward
Be more bold
And bust out of
this mold.

Create my fate
Create my destiny
Stop!  And give
myself praise.



"The only thing that boggles the mind is the mind itself."

© Copyright 2002 Aurora Brightwater - All Rights Reserved
Smiles and Cries
Junior Member
since 2002-08-23
Posts 16
Newrk De
1 posted 2002-08-24 12:25 PM


I liked the general idea, and i know u changed up patterns on purpouse but i still cant stand inconsistency...overall it was pretty good though

Have u ever Loved somebody so much it makes u cry? Have u ever needed something so bad u cant sleep at night? Have u ever tried to find the words but

punkrockerrobin
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Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180
Sparks, NV
2 posted 2002-08-24 01:20 AM


hey great read tks for sharin hope to see more!

you either like me for who i am or you don't like me at all

Child of the Stars
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Senior Member
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
3 posted 2002-08-24 02:53 PM


Booya! This rocked. I think the change was beneficial...it kept the poem from seeming forced and mechanical. It's nice to see you, stranger...

  ~Carly

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
  ~David Borenstein

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
4 posted 2002-08-25 01:56 AM


hrm, too much trouble to point out my -fav- stanzas, but there were several. and i agree with mz carlay. i liked the break up of it. it would be too lilting i think if it all just flowed and rhymed perfectly. .. i think we all yearn for these things at some point, maybe forever. if you yearn to come to al tho, you know where to find me. *wiggle* wub you!
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

"Words are windows to the heart."

holatuwol
Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72
California, USA
5 posted 2002-08-26 12:43 PM


I'm back~  This place got really quiet... Oo;;  I remember that there used to be twenty or so replies to any poem that was anywhere near this good. ^_~  *teases*  There was also more than 10 replies to everything else... of course, I never got any more than six or seven or so replies... *considers rephrasing that* ... hehe ^^  Don't mind me... just dropping by and saw that you had a poem on Day 1... and so I decided it might be fun to reply to it. ^^

Anyway, I haven't read very much of your work, but from the pieces that I do remember (there's about two, not including this one), coupled with this one, there's a sense of realism to it all that sort of makes you pause and say to yourself, "Hey... that'd be an interesting way to live life."  However, at the same time, you read a lot of hesitation in the lines that you write.  Then, you read the title and the "doh!" effect kicks in and you sort of toss guesses as to what this poem is trying to say.

As for the form of the poem... at first glance, you might think this was a poem that happened to rhyme in some places, but then after reading it a second time and letting the words and the title blend together, coupled with your introduction to the poem, you realize that the opposite is actually the case: it's a poem that rhymes, but happens not to rhyme in some stanzas... or better yet, a poem that naturally rhymes, but tries to be free.

In this way, the poem feels as though it's being restrained... with the words that are written in the poem, it takes on an entirely new flavor.  On a symbolic level, as mentioned before, it's a rhymed verse poem that yearns to be free. ^^  Which, in of itself, is relatively cute... but at the same time, it makes all of the words and all of the suggestions seem completely helpless.  As if that's all it is: a yearning, and a yearning that can't be realized.

In this way, the poem echoes desperately, and it's as if the writer, more than anything else, is yearning to be completely "free" and perhaps, at some level, have all their yearning and all their wishing be heard.  And, it is in this sense, and perhaps this sense alone, which makes me step back from your poem and say... "Dear heavenly goddess, this was a masterpiece" rather than filing it away with all of the other poems which try to say the same things.

This was a beautiful write. ^^  Much appreciation for sharing... and thanks to Tiffany for dragging this to Day 1 so that I would have the pleasure of reading it on my first day back here at Passions. ^_^  Best wishes to everyone. ^^  May you continue posting, eh?  If the rest are even half this good, I would be most satisfied. ^_^v  Until next time...


- holatuwol

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