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PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2002-08-20 02:25 AM

I lie awake here on this night
I can't keep my eyes off You.
You could be my kryptonite,
and my eyes would simply stare until my death.

You're so beautiful!
You're beautiful, beautiful.
You see right through my soul;
so why do You stay?

Piercing vision flows from my eyes,
from my eyes. You take up the field
of all I see, all I see.
Consumed by Your glory, I'm pitiful, pitiful.

You're so beautiful!
You're beautiful, beautiful.
You see right through my soul;
so why do You stay?

Why do you stay?! Why do you stay?!
I'm pitiful, You're beautiful, beautiful,
B e a u t i f u l.
So beautiful.
I'm pitiful.

By Daniel 'Titus' Redding
8/19/02
(Inspired by "Pitiful" - blindside)

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

1 posted 2002-08-20 09:28 AM

What I loved about this poem:

Capitalization of You, nice touch

The repeating of phrases in this shows torment and thinking in circles, I like that alot to

What I would change:

Kryptonite: If your stressing you're pitiful, I wouldn't reference superman at all, despite you going for her being the worst thing for you...your still misleading your overall attempt I feel

But thats the only thing I would touch
The rest of this is impressive titus
peace

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2002-08-20 07:06 PM

*bump* I like it still!

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

3 posted 2002-08-21 09:39 AM

I already told you what I think of it... you make me smile.. for various reasons you make me smile and I hope you don't change (unless it's for the better). *hugs*

Memina

"you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A.

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

4 posted 2002-08-21 05:00 PM

Kevin: Thanks for the response.

I appreciate it, taking the time to write out ways I could improve it, and specificially what you did/didn't like.

I must admit though, this wasn't written for a 'girl', or a 'guy', depending on the reader. I wrote this, as a Christian, for my Lord.

(therefore, the You, not you)Though, I knew it could be interpated as a relationshipesque piece. I love your different interp, man. Let me thinkn about your thought on the Superman reference. Good point.

Thanks Memina, Rhonda.

Sincerely,
Titus

"I'll prepare myself, and one day my time will come."
-Abraham Lincoln

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

5 posted 2002-08-22 02:50 PM

I liked this piece quite a bit. I especially enjoyed the repetition, it just gave it a great feel and it flowed with the poem beautifully. I don't think that the kryptonite part should be changed, because I think it works well with the piece. It's like, even if He was bad for you (which he most certainly is not, but IF), you would not be able to stay away. Anyways, that's just my thoughts on this. Keep writing!!

Always,
Nikki

     *~Fighting for your love~*
    *~Is something I cannot do~*
   *~I'm not good enough to win~*
*~And I'm not strong enough to lose~*

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

6 posted 2002-08-22 08:07 PM

GREAT JOB!!

To the world you maybe a person, but to a person you maybe the world

~Allie~
Junior Member

since 2002-05-23

Posts 13
New York

7 posted 2002-08-25 12:38 PM

WOW!!!

What ever girl you wrote this for should feel VERY SPECIAL....

I am still waiting for a the day that I will inspire poetry!!

I loved YOUR poem!!!

Allie

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

8 posted 2002-08-25 11:34 PM

TITUS! *tackles Titus* Hey. I see you're still writing. Well, I still have writers block... lol. Good to see you. Email me?

Oh... right. I forgot to reply...

I really enjoyed the poem, as a Christian, especially. Thanks!

I LOVE YOU! *kisses you* hehehe...

[This message has been edited by Kielo (08-25-2002 11:35 PM).]

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2002-08-26 05:17 PM

A very interesting read I liked the comments you posted further on, I re-read it a couple of times and it's a pretty awesome poem, thanks for sharing it with us.

Andrew

Mister Zu: A self confessed cannibal

Targetmrzu@hotmail.com

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

10 posted 2002-08-26 09:43 PM

hehe.. yes.. some girls can just be so beautiful that you feel unworthy to have such a prize. I say stick with her.. you are a lucky person.

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

11 posted 2002-08-28 10:28 AM

AWESOME!

ich bin schwul, ich bin jüdisch und ein Kommunist dazu, Ich bin schwarz und behindert, doch genauso Mensch wie du ~Wizo

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

12 posted 2002-08-29 01:37 AM

"I'll prepare myself, and one day my time will come."
-Abraham Lincoln

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