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Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

0 posted 2002-08-15 07:05 PM

I'll show you fear, in a handful of dust.
Don't dare break the silence, whisper if you must.
Crawl out of your skin, and step into mine.
Know the secrets of my soul, walk in my line.

Hear what I hear, see what I see.
Love with my heart, be deep within me.
Know what I know, do what I do.
The next time around, I'll experience you.

Climb in the trees, play in the sand.
The fear inside me, is like dust in my hand.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

Hallucination
Member

since 2001-03-18

Posts 419

1 posted 2002-08-15 07:19 PM

I'm not trying to be mean, but I have no idea where you're going with this. Maybe it's poetry beyond my pee brain, or else it doesn't make any sense. (Let's go with the first one) k? But you have some very, very nice visuals...And A good structure, you really know how ti paint a picture! Keep writing...

Best Wishes,

Brian.

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

2 posted 2002-08-15 07:31 PM

Be mean!!! well maybe not mean... but i appreciate your feedback as it will help me grow as a writer. The title really doesnt help the poem at all... its just that i wrote it while i was watching my neice play in the sandbox... yes. Just watching her grow.

I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal?

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2002-08-15 11:31 PM

actually, i really liked this, it had good rhythm and good imagery, great job, thanks 4 the read.~later

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

4 posted 2002-08-16 12:54 PM

hey,
i don't know, i think i liked this. the whole sandbox idea was cool, i especially liked the lines: "Crawl out of your skin, and step into mine." this is a really good idea in my opinion, thanks for sharing.
-bergundy-

"crack my head open, on your kitchen floor. to prove to you, that i have brains." -Alkaline Trio

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

5 posted 2002-08-16 10:29 PM

This seemed to go in several different directions without any sort of real resolution. While your imagery is great and the rhyme/meter is fairly good, you've wandered off and it seems like didn't bring the whole piece together. Just a though...nothing personal.

Thanks for sharing this all the same.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

6 posted 2002-08-17 01:00 AM

Hmm... I clicked on this one expecting to read a remeniscense (sp?) of childhood or something. Instead I get this, and I love it! It was definately not what I was expecting!

Nazera29
Junior Member

since 2002-08-14

Posts 34
Connecticut

7 posted 2002-08-17 01:04 AM

well, maybe i sound realllllly dumb, i liked it... but i dont get it at all... but the way i see it is its like looking at a great abstract painting... i don't know what the hell it means, but that doesnt mean i cant still enjoy it.... right???

Jess

*We are the hero in our own story*

[This message has been edited by Nazera29 (08-17-2002 01:06 AM).]

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