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Teen Poetry #5

No Longer A Clean Hand

Dustin462
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 23
Selah, WA

0 posted 2002-08-10 02:23 PM

this is pretty much a type of sequel to my poem "A Clean Hand"
I get up
I look around
I see a face
But it is not yours
It belongs to another friend
A friend who listened to me
A friend that cared for me
The thing is that
She did care for me
And I began to care for her
I thought that she was the untouchable
The one I would dream of
But I was wrong
One day I lived the dream
But the next day she was gone
Gone for awhile
She still hasn’t came back yet
But even though she is gone she came in contact with me
I thought she was better than the other
I thought she would be different
I was wrong
Again
Once again
I lay here on the floor
I feel my back for where I was stabbed
But this time it wasn’t clean
It was red
Red with blood
I was backstabbed
Again

Dustin

[This message has been edited by Dustin462 (08-10-2002 07:47 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-08-11 11:02 AM

I love sequels to poetry. The only problem with them is that it's often difficult to get them up to the same standard as the original.

You took a pretty basic route with this poem. I didn't see a lot of stand-out lines of any sort. While I admire the structure, and the lines are well broken to aid the flow, your syntax and word organization have dulled slightly.

I'd revise this somewhat, if I were you, adding a bit more in terms of word usage, organization, and such.

Just my humble opinion.

Parasite

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

2 posted 2002-08-12 05:22 AM

I've got to agree with parasite on this one. You've really lost the initial pizzazz that 'Clean Hand' had. It seems as though you may have forced it somewhat in order to get the sequel. You have got a great chain of thought in this one but it definitely needs revision to bring it up to the standard of the other one. I'd love to see the finished copy so feel free to post it up if you decide to revise it.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

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