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A Clean Hand
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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A Clean Hand |
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Dustin462 Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 23Selah, WA |
A CLEAN HAND Hey buddy It took awhile to find you Now that I did My life changed I was happy Time together, fantastic We became close Like a dagger and its scabbard It gave me another reason to live Then you turned my life upside down How could you do that to me? After all I did I solved your problems When you needed A shoulder to cry on Mine was there Then for a Moment I turn my back, Felt a sharp pain For you stabbed me Now I lay here on the floor Notice blood bled away, The scars have disappeared But what happened? |
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| © Copyright 2002 Dustin A. T. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Oh -- COOL... You have a very unique style, a kind of disorganized scattering of thoughts that all come together... I especially like how you ended it abstractly... I found myself dazzled instantly by the unusual organization of your words, the way everything was tossed together... very vague... very very intriguing! One thing though, I just HAVE to mention... is that you should really watch the cliches, they can ruin a good poem. They didn't really harm this one all that much, but I count about three that could be reworded with a little work.  This reminds me of the way Picasso paints...  I like what you've done here, truly.Welcome to Passions. Parasite [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (08-09-2002 06:49 PM).] |
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CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
Nice write, Dustin. Nice to see you writin'. I liked this, It was cool how it all kinda came together at the end, all making sense... Good job. - Cody - |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
Welcome to Passions. Very nicely written first post. I am impressed. The way you flit around really gives the piece an edge. The ending works well and ties in with the opening. Enjoy it here. Thanks for the read. ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Welcome to Passions, Dustin. Let us know if you need any help getting around, checking out our guidelines, rules and regs...Looking forward to reading more of your work. Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting! write with grace, all others lose face; |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I agree with Local Parasite. The style in which this poem is written makes it interesting. Personally I like a little disorganiztion. It gives it a personal feel. I do have to agree about the cliches. Do you ever feel like you are constantly repeating yourself? Not literally (well.. sometimes), but in a general sense. Well maybe if you expand a bit in your personal descriptions it'll give the poem that much more to offer both to yourself and to the reader. I'm certainly no poetic Goddess (although feel free to worship me ) so if you gather nothing from my opinion that's fine. I hope that through Passions itself you do gain something useful to you. Welcome. I'm married to Mr.Metaphor. We make love everyday. |
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