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When you suddenly made your entrance...(slightly revised)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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When you suddenly made your entrance...(slightly revised) |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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When you suddenly made your entrance into my monotone life like lightening, I stood, transcended by each sentence, as I versified you in writing. I recited your every syllable, knew your stresses like the back of my hand. You became the very symbol of what I searched for with my pen. You became my haunting adventure, as I hunted you with my rhymes. In the fetters of letters, I held you for each one of your wonderful crimes. And now, rather hopeless, you gaze at me from the snow-white plains of the page, but I can’t let you soar away gracefully from the inky black bars of your cage. Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-08-2002 09:43 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
skyshine 
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Sometimes, you just can't let go of people. I enjoyed reading this. The meter seemed to stumble in a few places, though I still thought it was well done. I'll give a more in depth reply later.  ~Beth You look inside my wild mind |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you Beth, I'd like to hear what exactly you have to say about the meter. This poem was primarily built around rhyme and alliteration, and the "stumbling" rhythm is also a part of the style. For me meter and rhythm are sorta of like the gas and the break and sometimes, when done with style, a bumpy ride is just as fun as a smooth one. Excuse the poor metaphor.  Thanks[This message has been edited by Master (08-08-2002 01:05 AM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
The one thing I want to say on my short amount of time (I'll prolly come back to this when I get a chance, going back to school=no fun) is that S1 L4, I read with and without my and think that you could possibly lose my. But that's just a thought. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
yeah, i think you're right. Thanks |
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skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
I just thought the meter seemed rough in a few places. Example, the first line "When you suddenly made your entrance" didn't flow too well. But if that's the style then it's ok I guess. The more I read it the more I'm used to it. ~Beth You look inside my wild mind |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Beth, try to read the poem aloud and you'll see what I was going for. For example, the first stanza: When you suddenly made your entrance into my monotone life, like lightening, I stood, transcended by each sentence, as I versified you in writing. Do you hear how "suddenly-entrance-stood-transcended-sentence-versified" almost creates a rhythm of its own with the alliteration of the "s" sound and drives the poem. As it even spills over into the second stanza with "recited-syllable-stresses-sybmol." "...life, like lightening" has the same effect. This is the type of style I wanted to use for this poem, where the flow was not only guided by the meter, but also by alliteration and rhyme. But thanks for your feedback... and thanks for reading. M |
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skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Hey, I'll try that. I'll also try the style you wrote this in. When I was in high school, my English teacher put a lot of emphasis on alliteration, so I'll put that knowledge to good use. Anyway, thanks for clarifying. ~Beth You look inside my wild mind |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
As I said I would, I have returned with more time and some more depth to my crit. Take my crit with a grain of salt if you so desire. When you suddenly made your entrance into my monotone life, like lightening, {Do you want lightning or lightening?} I stood, transcended by each sentence, as I versified you in writing. I recited your every syllable, knew your stresses like the back of my hand. {Eek, brimming on cliché there my poetic friend.} You became the very symbol of what I reached for with my pen. {What about searched instead of reached. Just a suggestion.} You became my haunting adventure, as I hunted for you with my rhymes. {Is for really needed?} In the fetters of letters, I held you {Fetters of letters? Very interesting choice, although it may be a little cutesy for this piece.} for each one of your wonderful crimes. {What about a different word for wonderful. I think wonderful almost has too good of a connotation to be followed by crimes.} And now, rather hopeless, you gaze at me from the snow-white plains of the page, but I can’t let you soar away gracefully from the warmth of my heart -- your cage. {I like this ending. I am not much for sap, but you pull it together well.} Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Casey, thanks for the critique. First stanza, second line, I wanted lightening, but I guess both could work. "Knew your stresses like the back of my hand" doesn't really bother me all that much, but if you can suggest something else, I'll definitely consider it. I agree with you "searched" works better than "reached." I'm going to change that. "For" is definitely not needed. Changing that too. I do however like the "fetters of letters" and the "wonderful crimes." I disagree with you there. Just as an alternative what you think of this as the last line "from the inky black bars of your cage."? It sets an interesting contrast with the "snow-white plains of the page" and it takes away the cliche of the heart. What do you think? Thanks for your feedback, Andrey aka Master Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (08-08-2002 09:41 PM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I like the alternative one, much more imagery in it. casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Cool, thanks. |
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