you remind me of it everyday

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anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

0 posted 2002-08-05 05:18 PM

As the cliche says
love is a lottery
well, i sure as hell lost when i got you
but i still don't have the strength to
tear up my ticket
what makes it worse
what keeps me here under this raincloud
is that you did indeed change for me
you remind me of it everyday
the wildness is gone
but now nothing is left but spite in those ever so pretty eyes
you hurt me in a different way
you say the things you know will cut deepest
you've taken away my only escape route
and yet everything tells me life can't go on like this
either I find the strength to leave this darkness
or you'll grind me down till theres nothing left of me to see
and right now I can't see a place away from you where i can just...be
i know this isn't tecniquly very good but hey today i just needed to vent my feelings

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

1 posted 2002-08-05 05:20 PM

the last line isn't part of the poem was just a quick note but seems to have attached itself to the end of the poem

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

2 posted 2002-08-05 05:44 PM

Good job, I love this part-

what makes it worse
what keeps me here under this raincloud
is that you did indeed change for me

Rarely does a poem speak of how someone did change for them....I love it

~lisa

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

3 posted 2002-08-05 07:32 PM

I really like this poem, especially the below section:

As the cliche says
love is a lottery
well, i sure as hell lost when i got you
but i still don't have the strength to
tear up my ticket

Great poem!

Life is a moderately good play w/ a badly written thrid act. - Unknown

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2002-08-06 01:13 AM

"but now nothing is left but spite in those ever so pretty eyes"

Awesome line here. I know it well, but never heard it described like this

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

5 posted 2002-08-06 11:30 AM

anya you have so much talent
I know your critique flag isnt up so I wont say much but if you could just cut the fat off this you would have one delicious steak dinner...oh jeez im stuck in a metaphor again
someone help me

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

6 posted 2002-08-06 12:00 PM

any suggestions would be welcome i just never got around to putting that critique flag up, i knew this one was a bit wordy but i am crap at cutting anything out of my own poetry
anya

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

7 posted 2002-08-06 01:18 PM

This is very good work. Maybe shortening it and organizing it would make it easier to read. But just be careful to not cut out anything that really expresses your emotion.

~Sky

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