Casey, I appreciate you taking the time to read this, but perhaps you shouldn't talk to an English major about puncuation. You perhaps should also consider the possibility that I wasn't going for rhyme scheme; it came out as it did. Thank you though; maybe you'd critique a couple of my other poems?
"The play with my heart like a toy concept is quite cliche." [I'm glad you think it's cliche; that's what I was aiming for ]
"These last two lines don't seem very cleanly worded. Contended is a mouth full here for some reason. And I still am wondering the direct purpose of the spacing in the last line." [The spacing is there because I put it there. The last two lines may not seem very cleanly worded, but they say what I wanted to say; they work for me.]
"You completely contradict yourself, and I don't think this is strong enough to handle the contradiction." [*ahem* I know I contradicted myself. I did that on purpose too. I, on the contrary, think it IS strong enough to handle it.]
"This may be a song, but being a song doesn't make it poetry. I think as a poem, the repeating of the stanza weakens the poem as a whole. But that's just my view." [Who says it's a song? I think the repetition strengthens it; I'll consider your opinion though.]
"Around/mind don't fit well with the rhyme. Which presents another problem. This rhyme sceme (abcb) tends to have a sing songy feel to it (for me at least) and as a poem (rather than a song) that quality brings down the seriousness of what you are trying to say." [I know they don't fit with the rhyme. Honestly, I didn't care about rhyming for this stanza, because I was feeling quite frantic by that time.]
Again, thank you for taking the time to read my poem.
[This message has been edited by Purple Lightning (08-04-2002 02:03 AM).]