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Passions in Poetry

Kick me While I'm dOwN

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Purple Lightning
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since 07-28-2002
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0 posted 08-03-2002 01:53 AM       View Profile for Purple Lightning   Email Purple Lightning   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Purple Lightning


Go ahead and kick me;
I'm just your little toy.
Play with my heart all you'd like;
You're just a stupid boy.

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain.

Kiss me on the inside
Hit me on the out;
But if you lay a hand on me
My daddy'll make you shout.

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain.

So suck it up and act like a man;
Quit screwing me around
I'm not going to sit any longer
waiting for you to make up your mind.

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain.
© Copyright 2002 Purple Lightning - All Rights Reserved
Skyfire
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1 posted 08-03-2002 01:56 AM       View Profile for Skyfire   Email Skyfire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfire

Hey! Dude! Love it!
punkrockerrobin
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2 posted 08-03-2002 02:05 AM       View Profile for punkrockerrobin   Email punkrockerrobin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit punkrockerrobin's Home Page   View IP for punkrockerrobin

totally awesome wish i could say that to a guys face!

http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=hardcorerobin&include=0&since=-1&sort=3&rows=25

Dark Enchantress
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since 07-27-99
Posts 1460
meet Morgana


3 posted 08-03-2002 02:53 AM       View Profile for Dark Enchantress   Email Dark Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Dark Enchantress's Home Page   View IP for Dark Enchantress

I really like your attitude in this. How you're hurt but you're layin' down the line (or something like that).

Welcome to Passions.

See you around. (Hopefully)

"if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos

clve527
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since 07-08-2002
Posts 202


4 posted 08-03-2002 10:49 PM       View Profile for clve527   Email clve527   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for clve527

Go ahead and kick me;
I'm just your little toy.
Play with my heart all you'd like; {The play with my heart like a toy concept is quite cliche.}
You're just a stupid boy.

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. {These last two lines don't seem very cleanly worded.  Contended is a mouth full here for some reason.  And I still am wondering the direct purpose of the spacing in the last line.}

Kiss me on the inside
Hit me on the out;
But if you lay a hand on me
My daddy'll make you shout. {You completely contradict yourself, and I don't think this is strong enough to handle the contradiction.}

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain. {This may be a song, but being a song doesn't make it poetry.  I think as a poem, the repeating of the stanza weakens the poem as a whole.  But that's just my view.}

So suck it up and act like a man;
Quit screwing me around
I'm not going to sit any longer
waiting for you to make up your mind. {Around/mind don't fit well with the rhyme.  Even as an approximate rhyme they don't really work, I think.  Which in turn screws up the sing songy rhyme scheme.  Which presents another problem.  This rhyme sceme (abcb) tends to have a sing songy feel to it (for me at least) and as a poem (rather than a song) that quality brings down the seriousness of what you are trying to say.}

Bite me hard and make it fast
so I won't feel so much pain
Screw me round till your heart's contented
  Baby, it's me that'll get the gain.

I see where you are going.  But I think that the punctuation is a little rough (which I didn't touch at all in this crit) and the rhyme scheme is a little if-y.  A good concept though.

Casey

p.s.  I apologize if I have any misspellings, I recently had complete computer failure and don't have the reliable access that I would want.

If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see...

Purple Lightning
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since 07-28-2002
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5 posted 08-04-2002 01:41 AM       View Profile for Purple Lightning   Email Purple Lightning   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Purple Lightning

Casey, I appreciate you taking the time to read this, but perhaps you shouldn't talk to an English major about puncuation. You perhaps should also consider the possibility that I wasn't going for rhyme scheme; it came out as it did. Thank you though; maybe you'd critique a couple of my other poems?

"The play with my heart like a toy concept is quite cliche." [I'm glad you think it's cliche; that's what I was aiming for   ]

"These last two lines don't seem very cleanly worded.  Contended is a mouth full here for some reason.  And I still am wondering the direct purpose of the spacing in the last line."  [The spacing is there because I put it there. The last two lines may not seem very cleanly worded, but they say what I wanted to say; they work for me.]

"You completely contradict yourself, and I don't think this is strong enough to handle the contradiction." [*ahem* I know I contradicted myself. I did that on purpose too. I, on the contrary, think it IS strong enough to handle it.]

"This may be a song, but being a song doesn't make it poetry.  I think as a poem, the repeating of the stanza weakens the poem as a whole.  But that's just my view." [Who says it's a song? I think the repetition strengthens it; I'll consider your opinion though.]

"Around/mind don't fit well with the rhyme.  Which presents another problem.  This rhyme sceme (abcb) tends to have a sing songy feel to it (for me at least) and as a poem (rather than a song) that quality brings down the seriousness of what you are trying to say." [I know they don't fit with the rhyme. Honestly, I didn't care about rhyming for this stanza, because I was feeling quite frantic by that time.]

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my poem.

[This message has been edited by Purple Lightning (08-04-2002 02:03 AM).]

Lady In White
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since 02-12-2001
Posts 2919
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6 posted 08-04-2002 09:36 AM       View Profile for Lady In White   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lady In White


Welcome to Passions!  
Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting!

write with grace, all others lose face;
"Jo was very tall, thin, ... and reminded one of a colt..." LMA

clve527
Member
since 07-08-2002
Posts 202


7 posted 08-04-2002 10:52 AM       View Profile for clve527   Email clve527   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for clve527

I would hope you were going for a rhyme scheme, not many can just write and have a rhyme scheme magically appear.   Also, I am just giving my opinion, so if you don't like it disregard it.  There is no need for you to waste your time critting my crit if you don't like what I said.  

Casey

And as a side note, the only part of the punctuation that I had a problem with was the initial semi colon.  I keep re-reading it trying to figure out a better thing to use but can't.

[This message has been edited by clve527 (08-04-2002 11:10 AM).]

Marshalzu
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Lurking


8 posted 08-04-2002 05:45 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

I really enjoyed reading such a wonderful peice of work, thank you for sharing it with all of us.

Andrew

"If you are afraid of wolves, stay out of the woods"

J.V. Stalin

skyshine
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Posts 3337
Beneath the northern stars


9 posted 05-27-2003 12:44 AM       View Profile for skyshine   Email skyshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit skyshine's Home Page   View IP for skyshine

Hey Nice poem and attitude! Sometimes I think all boys are stupid!

~Elizabeth

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

 
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