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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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natural highs |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
trapped in a cage, of angry human bodies, as it becomes more and more, difficult to breathe. it's almost clausterphobic, as my heart skips a beat in tune, to it's own blissful song of peace. i'm scared out of my mind, but after a few seconds.. i feel incredibly free careless and light hearted, this is how i always want my life to be. screaming, jumping, laughing, dancing. feeling good about just being me, in this world full of insecurity. oh how this crowd is a living creature. constantly writhing in pleasure, and bleeding in pain. a beautiful mythological being, of rage and frustration, no longer contained by any society, except the one screaming on stage. these strangers almost become family to me, as we mosh our lives away. and my feet are on fire! vaguely i feel my faces' sunburned ache. but it doesn't matter anymore. the music cancels out the pain. and i laugh as the guy, whom i am shoved against next, tries to calm this overwhelming glorious feeling, of pure euphoria. he's too busy sucking his false happiness, from a funny looking metal "keychain", to notice the expression of pity on my face. my soul starts to smile without me, as the sweet cloying scent, slowly drifts my way. it wants to bathe my insides with pleasure, it wants to make me forget my own name. but i shove the thought away with an irritated shrug, and close my eyes to surrender my mind, to this music that is the ultimate drug. well i just went to warped tour 2002 in milwaukee, wisconsin a few days ago. it was probably one of the coolest things in my entire life. i met a few of the band members of various groups, and they were all insanely nice. it was great =) i wrote this poem at five in the morning last night because the words were burning a hole in my mind. i hope you at least kind of enjoyed it. thanks! -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- [This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (07-27-2002 08:53 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 bergundy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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StellarChica Member
since 2002-07-06
Posts 207floating down a river... |
I enjoyed this poem even if I, personally, am terrified of mosh pits. It was still very good. I wanna go to the Warped Tour but..wait, why am I not going? I really don't know..Heh, oh well. I'm done here. Great poem  "Longing for home again but home is a feeling I buried in you."-Greenwheel |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
trapped in a cage of angry, {Anger, not angry. And cage is often associated with anger, so try and give us a new image.} barely human bodies, {Your images here are disjointed, make them flow together. Otherwise the reader spends the time trying to connect line to line rather than enjoying your work.} as it becomes more and more difficult to breathe {Show us an image here. There a lot of directions that you could go that would make this much more interesting.} i'm scared out of my mind but after a few seconds.. i feel incredibly free screaming, jumping laughing, dancing Free! {I honestly feel like I am reading a journal entry. You have strong words here but without images they lose their power.} the crowd is a living creature constantly writhing in pleasure a beautiful mythological being of rage and frustration {This is a much better image compared to the prior one's. The line breaks through out the poem are strange. And the lack of punctuation is making this increasingly difficult.} no longer contained these strangers almost become family to me as we mosh our lives away nothing matters anymore except this music crashing thru my brain {This is borderline cliche. Try and come up with a totally different way of saying this.} and i laugh as the guy i am shoved against next {This line doesn't make to much sense.} tries to calm this overwhelming glorious feeling of euphoria by sucking false happiness from a funny looking, metal "keychain" i can feel my soul start to smile as the sweet cloying scent slowly drifts my way it wants to caress my insides...{Incorrect use of the ellipsis.} it wants to ease the pain... but i shove the thought away with an irritated shrug close my eyes surrender my mind to this music that is the ultimate drug I think this could go somewhere. But I really think it would benefit from some structure and imagery. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, thanks for replying both of you. *smiles* i am finally graced with the infamous casey's criticism. i don't hate you for it though, and i actually think i am going to try to change most of what you said too. stellarchica..i am becoming a pretty big fan to your pieces. and you SHOULD go to warped tour! it was so great, and yes i was afraid of mosh pits at first to lol. i almost peed my pants *laughing* thanks for the mean stuff and the nice stuff...and i don't know what "ellipses" are haha aren't they circles?? -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
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