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Teen Poetry #5
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Poetic Hatred
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Poetic Hatred |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Your love letters begin with chicken-scratch much like they end- With Love, Benjamin. You write your name like the doctor that you will never be, skipping the guts of the letters just for style. Your love letters are so bland like unsalted crackers no flavor, no purpose. My poem hates you and it shows. If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-25-2002 03:41 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 clve527 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Yes, yes it does.  You've got the bones of an alright poem here--you've got feeling, and some poetic phrases, but it's lacking in something. Each stanza's just stating, not showing, but comparing this to your other it seems like your style. Upfront's a good way to go. Bravo.~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Thanks for the response. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
LOL, I LOVED the unsalted crackers part! I have to say, I like this one. Peace, M |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, i liked this, the unsalted crackers part was good, but the last two lines are stuck in my head. pretty good stuff. -bergundy- maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio- |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This is several steps ahead of your other one in terms of quality. The reason is simply that you were much more creative in your composition of this one. You came up with a few original ideas, humourous. "You write your name like the doctor," for example. I found the similies amusing. The last two lines were great... they gave me a good laugh. Excellent work!  Parasite |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
This is good stuff I too liked the unsalted cracker part And as I said before you have made alot of good points since joining us here (although I still think even your signature is rattling the hive a bit) awaiting your next kev |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Thank you all. And Kevin, no worries, my signature changes often. Don't know if the next will be any "better" but we shall see. Casey If all you want is emotion, go down to walmart, buy yourself a diary and hide it in a drawer where no one can see... |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Quite biting, really. Felt like it might hit a nerve in poor little "Benjamin" eh? Not bad. I disagree with you on the poetry concept in your signature however; yes, poetry is more than emotion, but some of the best poetry is non-structured free verse. Bridget's Jones's Diary? Quite a highly acclaimed novel turned movie, made a lot of money as well. Writing that lacks emotion isn't bad, but I believe the best poetry/writing stems from the heart,or at least a person's own emotion- just a thought. Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? [This message has been edited by Jenn Cirrincione (07-31-2002 12:46 AM).] |
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devil_tongue Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 50 |
Oh this is great. Original idea and your opening is quite unique. There are a couple of elements that could be expanded on this but then again, if you were to change the content it would be a completely different poem. Last two lines, thumbsup definitely. Well done. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Casey- I really enjoyed reading this. You've done a great job and your use of metaphors is excellent. Keep it up and I'll keep reading. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
I guess the "Crackers" line is the shining moment of this poem, cuz i loved it too. And i dunno why, but the "My poem hates you" line seemed ingenius to me, but then again I'm a simple, easily amused creature Well done Will look for your next post K The day you were born, you were born free |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
hmmmm this poem to me seemed bland. maybe a few writting lessons might i suggest? |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
(bump) |
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