navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » can't think of a fitting title
Teen Poetry #5
Post A Reply Post New Topic can't think of a fitting title Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
sillywilly
Junior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 33
oklahoma

0 posted 2002-07-22 02:07 AM


Who knew that this feeling of control-
that I can control my destiny
that I am in total control
could take me so high that I lose myself
in this feeling and hope that
I am never found

© Copyright 2002 lacey - All Rights Reserved
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz
1 posted 2002-07-22 02:12 AM


i think you used the word control FAR too much.

it made the piece sound repetetive and forced.

and is there any reason why you didn't put a single punctuation mark in the whole piece?

/jen/

so foul and fair a day i have not seen.  - macbeth act 1, scene 3

shadowchild458
Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 117
MN,USA
2 posted 2002-07-23 01:29 AM


i think in the second line you should use a different word besides control. it needs to be more powerful and expressive if it's going to be short. sillywilly rhymes but it's not poetry right? so it may look like poetry, sound like poetry, but may not be expressive like poetry that gets lots of comments..sorry i'm harsh but you didn't say that i shouldn't be so i went right ahead and said what was on my mind.

life may just take a while but i guess heaven's worth the wait

AKJ

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » can't think of a fitting title

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary