»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Heavens here on earth (was written for my fiance)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Heavens here on earth (was written for my fiance) |
|
|
akira Member
since 2002-07-13
Posts 79Idaho |
Heaven's here on earth Heaven was so far, I never thought I'd see That you could bring heaven to me Your tender arms are there to hold me Its your kind love that molds me The tender kiss we share Lets all know the passion is there Your eyes are blue as the heaven's skies And we have a love that never dies Akira |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Felicity Kino - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Heaven's here on earth {Cliche.} Heaven was so far, I never thought I'd see That you could bring heaven to me {Okay there is absolutely no imagery here.} Your tender arms are there to hold me Its your kind love that molds me {Once again, no imagery, nothing new. Nothing interesting.} The tender kiss we share Lets all know the passion is there {Well at least your consistent on the no imagery concept.} Your eyes are blue as the heaven's skies {As blue. But that doesn't help because this is cliche anyways.} And we have a love that never dies {What does this line have to do with the line before.} This doesn't flow from line to line which along with the fact that it has no imagery and is full of cliches doesn't help the poem out. Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
||
|
akira Member
since 2002-07-13
Posts 79Idaho |
thanks for the feed back, i didnt think i'd find someone to take my poems apart and tell me everything that's wrong with them...thanks for the feed back Akira |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
