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I never asked you...
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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I never asked you... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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I never asked you to pose before me, But you sat in the chair, -- eyes closed, And your body just froze before me Like a statue of bronze. I wasn’t daring to play the sculptor, But to lose this moment -- a sin! When I heard you call to me, “hold me!” I did not know where to begin. While I stood, bewitched and bewildered, Overburdened, unable to speak, Your reflection was cast on the window, And a raindrop appeared on your cheek… Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (07-17-2002 06:21 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
A main question right off the bat is why do you have a comma before an apparent dash? I will return with a more thorough critique when I get a chance, but I have noticed that trait in other pieces of yours and am curious if there is a reasoning behind it. Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I tend to put a lot more commas than needed, because to me, as a reader, a comma always indicated a place to pause for a second. With this in mind, I use commas to control and direct the flow of the poem. Sometimes, I do it too much, but I don't think that it ruins the overall effect of the poem... LOL I also use "..." a lot. It's just a style. Check out my poetry here: |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
You've captured this moment well, but emotionally it wasn't as powerful as some of your other work. Oh and, if your reader pauses for more than they need to, the poem does lose effect... Keep writing.  ~Carly "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I can understand your general use of commas, but having a comma before a dash, well doesn't that just defeat the purpose. As a reader, I naturally pause for the dash, so why add the comma? Just a question. Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I don't know.. does it really make that much of a difference? I think you focus on grammar just a bit too much... |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Well, if you ever plan on having your work published in a respectable place, then you better learn how to use punctuation correctly. Geez, if you are going to use grammar use it properly. If you don't know how to use it properly, those who do lose interest and respect for the piece. Now onto the piece: I never asked you to pose before me, But you sat in the chair, -- eyes closed, {incorrect use of the dash and illogical use of the comma.} And your body just froze before me {I think just is an unneeded word here, but that's just my opinion. Also and could probably be removed.} Like a statue of bronze. {I know this is probably the word processor you use, but I think that the piece may look cleaner if you don't have the first word capitalized, but that's all a matter of preference. Also, this is begging for imagery.} I wasn’t daring to play the sculptor,{This could possibly be reworded to: "I wouldn't dare play sculptor" but that's just a thought.} But to lose this moment -- a sin! {I almost think an ellipsis might work better, but I am not too sure.} When I heard you call to me, “hold me!”{I think this is begging for imagery.} I did not know where to begin. {Is there a reason for did not instead of didn't?} While I stood, bewitched and bewildered, Overburdened, unable to speak, Your reflection was cast on the window, And a raindrop appeared on your cheek… {What about as instead of and? And also what purpose is the ellipsis serving.} I think you could easily play with the stanza breaks and the wordiness. I think this may appear and flow better with different stanza breaks. Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. - T. S. Eliot [This message has been edited by clve527 (07-17-2002 08:12 PM).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
As far as publishing goes, my work has appeared in over a dozen magazines/journals, including National Forum which has a press run of 120,000 for every issue. Right now, I'm also working with a publisher on publishing my first book. Just so you, my use of grammar has not been an issue so far... : ) I also respectfully disagree with your suggestions. In each case, the meter and the flow of the poem wouldn't be as good. But thanks for responding. Check out my poetry here: |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
I agree with the Master, he is, after all, the master! |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Well I guess there is hope for us all then, now isn't there? Casey Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. |
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devil_tongue Member
since 2000-03-02
Posts 50 |
Ah such sweet pieces are indeed a wonderful addition to these forums, Master. I remember reading quite a few of your pieces in the past and always enjoying them. You've got an amazing ability to captivate the reader. Although some people have no idea what they're going on about, it's nice to see you still produce these wonderful pieces. Well done. |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
The first stanza's rhyming was a bit off ("me - me") and it read kind of weird. I don't personally care too much about rhyming; however, since the rest of the poem rhymed it only makes sense for the first stanza to rhyme well. Over all I thought that the poem was good. The last stanza was worded particularly well. "if you know me so well then tell me which hand do I use?" Tori Amos [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (07-19-2002 11:02 AM).] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i've only come to read your pieces because of the mere fact that you act so damned arrogant in earlier posts. you seem to think that your poetry is better than black panty liners [which i might add are an amazing invention. thank you stayfree] and tell others to 'learn' from it. you're a self-defined rhymer, however anyway you slice it, closed and bronze just don't rhyme. and i find it so trite and irritating when people use such boring repetition when it adds little or no effect at all. and blah blah blah [as i babble on]. as you can tell, egotism really compells me to vomit something fierce. and, taking no sides in the least, this piece is definitely not worthy of publication in any magazing or forum. and so i'll leave you all with one more boring comment from my mouth. there is no soapbox in my world. so dig in everyone. it's hot, fresh, and right out of the oven. juicy as ever. don't let it get cold. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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