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Jenabou
Member

since 2000-06-13

Posts 215
Oklahoma/Nova Scotia Canada/USA

0 posted 2002-07-10 09:19 PM

I sit there, inhaling your appeal
While you effortlessly strum your guitar
melting my heart with every chord you play,with all that you are
The words you sing, I know them all by heart
Everything you are, is all I've wanted from the start
Like the missing piece of my jigsaw being
This perfection inside of you,infront of me all along,never seeing
Everything wrong in my life disapears
in your arms wrapped so close to you,hopes replace my fears
Next to you,lost in your eyes,it's where I want to spend the rest of my life
It's always been about you,it always will be
Im just sorry it took me so long to see...

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

1 posted 2002-07-10 09:56 PM

I sit there, inhaling your appeal {I think you can eliminate there, thus making the comma unneeded.}
While you effortlessly strum your guitar{comma here}
melting my heart with every chord you play,with all that you are {A period after play could work, and then you could remove ‘with all that you are.’ because I think it’s unneeded.}
The words you sing, I know them all by heart {Okay I see the rhyme scheme (sorta) but I think that this would benefit by writing it in its intended order… ‘I know your words by heart,’ which is simply a suggestion.  I think this line is a little wordy.}
Everything you are, is all I've wanted from the start {I think from the start is bordering on cliché.  So you could remove it without taking away from the piece.  Also eliminate the comma after are.}
Like the missing piece of my jigsaw being {I’m confused with the next few lines.  I think your rhyme scheme has cornered what you are trying to say.  I think you could eliminate the next line, and word this line like:
You are the missing piece of my jigsaw being,
with you all that is wrong disappears}
This perfection inside of you,infront of me all along,never seeing{You could eliminate this line, or not either way.}
Everything wrong in my life disapears {With you in front of everything would work well.  And it’s disappears.}
in your arms wrapped so close to you,hopes replace my fears {I think you could eliminate my, or not.  I think it works with way.  Also a space after you.  And a period after fears.}
Next to you,lost in your eyes,it's where I want to spend the rest of my life {Lost in your eyes is a cliché.  Try a new way of saying things.}
It's always been about you,it always will be {I think you could have this line read ‘It’s always about you,}
Im just sorry it took me so long to see... {A period instead of the ellipse.  And an apostrophe after I.}

Nice job, although  I think with some cleaning up this could be even better.  I can understand if you are not a fan of punctuation in poetry, but I think this piece will benefit from it.  Also all suggestions, are just that, I am not saying my way is the right way.  I just see the poem being tighter if it were changed a little.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
- T. S. Eliot

Hallucination
Member

since 2001-03-18

Posts 419

2 posted 2002-07-10 10:55 PM

This is an interresting way of dealing with a subject. but none the less, good. I like the emotion in it.

Best Wishes,

Brian.

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

3 posted 2002-07-11 01:25 AM

Aloha, I really really liked this poem. It was awesome..Good work!

*~erin~*

"Is there a line that I could write that's sad enough to make you cry?"-Gin Blossoms

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