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LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut

0 posted 2002-07-07 09:33 PM


*A little choppy I know, I'm sorry, it was verrryy forced, but I needed to write tonight*
Society tore our eyes apart
You were too "cool" and I was too smart
You wouldn’t be worth the broken heart
Society and its rules

Society told me that I could excel
Find  my escape from this personal hell
Leave you in the past, no need to dwell
Society and its rules

Society begged me to do my best
Act like an angel, pass every test
Stay calm and collected, never get stressed
Society and its rules

Society told you to skip every class
Using perfect smiles to ensure you pass
And gain a reputation that would forever last
Society and its rules  

Society said I had to be perfect
And you’d always be their biggest suspect
But Society was incorrect
Society’s broken rules

© Copyright 2002 Lisa Bednarz - All Rights Reserved
clve527
Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200

1 posted 2002-07-08 01:20 PM


I am new, but I am gonna jump right in.
You are right about this being forced, painfully so in places, but that happens in most rhymed poetry I read on forums like these.


Society tore our eyes apart
You were too "cool" and I was too smart {Do you really need to have cool in the quotes.  What about wording this like:
(You were too cool, I too smart)  And there needs to be some punctuation to guide the reader.}
You wouldn’t be worth the broken heart {You don't have segway here from the last line to this one, it makes me kind of scratch my head and wonder.}
Society and its rules

Society told me that I could excel
Find  my escape from this personal hell {No need for the extra space after 'Find'.  I think you could take the thought of a personal hell and really develop it with some true imagery, because you are getting caught telling a lot, and it makes it hard for the reader.}
Leave you in the past, no need to dwell {Just a thought, what about I've before no.}
Society and its rules

Society begged me to do my best
Act like an angel, pass every test {I seen this rhyme coming, but I think it works out well.}
Stay calm and collected, never get stressed {You are starting to lose meaning with the rhyming.  And also, I see no periods anywhere..}
Society and its rules

Society told you to skip every class
Using perfect smiles to ensure you pass
And gain a reputation that would forever last{It's never a good idea to inverse word order to get the rhyme.}
Society and its rules  

Society said I had to be perfect
And you’d always be their biggest suspect
But Society was incorrect {The change of the rhyme types is a little distracting.}
Society’s broken rules


I can see that you have a good deal of talent but I think you are losing a lot of your meaning and your voice by rhyming.  This is also quite wordy, scrape it down to the bare minimum and see what happens.

Casey

sillywilly
Junior Member
since 2002-06-25
Posts 33
oklahoma
2 posted 2002-07-08 02:28 PM


I am not one to critique because I just like to read others thoughts through poetry's expression. I like your poem. There is nothing quite like the 'bad guy good girl' to make one frustrated with society.
MidnightSon
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars
3 posted 2002-07-08 03:07 PM


i think the lack of the punctuation is a stylistic choice. i hate punctuation and the traditional uses of it. i like letting the line breaks take the rhythm instead of using those pesky periods too... same goes for those approximate rhymes. i love em too. but some stick to form folks hate em.

the idea here is a fantastic one. i like the ending a lot. but you're right, it sounds forced. but boy-o do i know how sometimes you gotta write...
the forced ones can be fun to workshop later.

this was a decent piece. and it's your own expression, so do with it what you will. leaving as is won't make it any less of a poem.
but writers always have fun playing with their poems...

Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa
4 posted 2002-07-08 09:50 PM


I hate punctuation....I may use commas and "...."'s to mean trailing off, but I do not use periods.

Periods are too final for poetry....



clve527
Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200

5 posted 2002-07-08 10:20 PM


This is in regard to any of the people replying to this thread.  What poets do you appreciate?  Do they use punctuation?  Does it  help them to convey their intentions?  Do they show images, rather than telling you their pain?  Just a few things to consider before you write next.

Casey

LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut
6 posted 2002-07-08 10:41 PM


GUYS! Kevins post was from me, I jsut went back and saw that....I dont know what happened, but he must have signed on right before me and when I replied it came up as his....I'm used to just replying, not changing the name or anything...sorry...

kevins gonna be mad

MidnightSon
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars
7 posted 2002-07-09 04:27 AM


read ee cummings and listen to Cristopher Walken speak. they have no regard for punctuation.
cummings doesn't even use capitilization in the traditional manner. he's one of my favorite writers. read some of his work and you'll find the cadence and line breaks speak for themselves. it let's the reader take the pause where he wants...true poetic freedom and free interpretaion.
but that's a style i like...and that's what makes poetry so cool.
it's all about style.

it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown

clve527
Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200

8 posted 2002-07-09 01:43 PM


MidnightSon,
Are you claiming to be as good as cummings?  I could be wrong but no one here has that kind of talent (yet).  Cummings is a rarity, so please don't think that anyone here has the ability (as of yet) to successfully pull of writing that way.  Besides, most readers of poetry, and I mean true honest readers that are going to read the poem and actually put the effort in to actually critique it, often times appreciate the punctution and the extra perspective it gives into the writer's intentions.

Casey


MidnightSon
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars
9 posted 2002-07-09 04:36 PM


i never said i was cummings, so don't go puttin words in my post.
i ain't startin no arguement, all i'm saying is that lack of punctuation is a style choice.
and if you don't think that some of the poets in this joint can't compete with the big names of yesteryear, then maybe you should venture outside of the teen forum to do some reading.
plenty of the people in here have exponential amounts of talent waiting to explode from their pens whenever they write. (and some even post in teen).
don't believe me newbie? read around.

it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown

chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
10 posted 2002-07-09 06:49 PM


First of all, can we stop this little argument before it gets out of hand? So people have different opinions in poetry. Big deal. If people want to be critiqued, they want to improve their poetic form. However, reading for pure enjoyment is not a crime either. We should be grateful that Casey is taking the time to critique, and also grateful for those who take the time to comment. So forget trying to be like Cummings or Frost. Be you, because it's your style, and your poetry.

LCBS-

It's all right if your poem is a little choppy, since your message rings clear. Though some people may not perfer to use punctuation, it would be good to use a period at the end of each stanza so that you can end one thought, and begin another. Though some may not prefer to use punctuation, it is a part of communication, and what poetry does is communicate with the reader (just to end this little punctuation debate.) ^_^;

Find  my escape from this personal hell
- The use of "my" and "personal" seems to be repetitive. It would be assumed that the hell is yours (if you want to put it in a strange way...).

I like the way you write it in two different P.O.Vs (point of views) with the "I", and the "you". You define both P.O.Vs well.

Keep up the good writing!


-Leah-
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