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Teen Poetry #5
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lil_pwheeler
Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39
here

0 posted 2002-06-03 10:56 PM


A group of men lost and confused
We didnt know each other
Who could know that one day
These strangers would become brothers

Running through the hot days sun
No water to cool us, we fall
Sergant yells dont you help him men
Or you'll run pack and all

Could I have a cigarette
I need to clear my mind
The pressure is too much for me
Why didnt I just have stay home and be left behind

The private next to me is shaking
With a steady trickle down his leg
I tell him dont worry your gonna make it
Dont leave me friend he begs

I feel the bullets flying by
The boat to my right just fell
As we hit the beach the gate drops
I think God this is Hell

I grab his shoulder and push him out
We dive into a hole
Though the battles hardly started
Its already taken its toll

I push myself up and return the fire
Then I duck back down
As I look down next to me
I see a bullet has pierced his crown

I scream medic, medic
Hes says dont waste your breath, im gone dont bother
He coughs thanks for staying with me
His head falls as he says Ill be waiting Brother

One day I intend to test him on his promise
Not right now though I dont intend on on dying
Some day I will see you friend
But for now Ill keep on fighting


Yeah Ive returned people. I wrote this while watching band of brothers cuz I was bored.


[This message has been edited by lil_pwheeler (06-04-2002 06:50 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Pat - All Rights Reserved
Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
1 posted 2002-06-06 03:45 AM


I found it a bit choppy. Kind of all over the place. When somebody speaks you don't put quotations to let the reader know, and the lack of correct grammatical puntuations prevent this poem from flowing in a most pleasurable fashion. I did like the message, but I felt the poem exhibited what you stated in the last sentence: "bored".
Not bored in the sense that *I* got bored because I didn't, but bored in the sense that you just wrote the poem simply and just because.
I hope to see more of your poems. I've read you before and liked what I saw. Hope to read more of your work.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
2 posted 2002-06-22 11:24 AM


I din't find it choppy at all
I thought it showed the confusion of goin to war
this is excellent, i loved it
thanks for sharing

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado é a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.


songsoftheaftermath
Member
since 2002-06-19
Posts 84
a world of disarray
3 posted 2002-06-26 04:06 AM


i actually liked this. nice work...musta been nice watching em'.

could the darkness be my friend?

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