Land of Despair (a.k.a. Home)

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Teen Poetry #5

Land of Despair (a.k.a. Home)

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2002-04-22 08:15 PM

The Land of Despair
and forgotten dreams.

Young hopes die hard,
and are locked up
deep inside,
filed under,
"Wishful thinking."

Where the desert sands,
represent life or lack there of,
everyone knows that the
famous last words will be:
"Could’ve been . . . ."

This place is all I know
and can’t wait to leave,
for the Land of Despair,
can permanently leave a scar.

+ Needs Suggestions!

-Jamie +

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

1 posted 2002-04-23 02:36 PM

Hey, I liked this one.

Nicely done.

"The Land of Despair
and forgotten dreams."

I really liked this stanza. If I were you, I would use it again at the end, to bring the poem to a close, tie it all in.

"Young hopes die hard,
and are locked up
deep inside,
filed under,
"Wishful thinking."

How about:

"Young hopes die hard,
quickly locked up deep inside,
filed under "Wishful thinking.
[add a line]"

"Where the desert sands,
represent life or lack there of,
everyone knows that the
famous last words will be:
"Could’ve been . . . ."

I like this stanza

After of, I would put a period though.

"This place is all I know
and can’t wait to leave,
for the Land of Despair,
can permanently leave a scar."

This stanza, too is good. "permanently" is a good word, but I think a bit too long. QUickly you've already used. Perhaps... deeply? Something shorter.

If you could write another stanza here, without "Land of Despair" in it, then for your ending stanza bring back your first two lines. Could work.

What do I know? Just thought I'd offer my opinion.

Sincerely,
Titus

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convinience, but where he stands at times of challange and controversy.

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

2 posted 2002-04-24 12:35 PM

These are really helpful suggestions! Thanks!

Does anyone have an idea for the line to follow "Wishful Thinking"?

Life is a moderately good play w/ a badly written thrid act. - Unknown

[This message has been edited by Cinderelly (04-24-2002 12:36 AM).]

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