Need Suggestions - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Teen Poetry #5

Need Suggestions

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2002-03-04 09:05 PM

I really need help on this one . . . It feels empty/not complete and I'm planning on giving it to someone, so any suggestions would be great! Thanks! -Jamie

The curtain goes up,
The lights dim. . .

All the attention is on him,
Center stage.

Front row center,
that’s where I’ll be.

2 hours,
caught up in a world,
where he’s all I see.

November,
not so long ago,
left speechless,
without so much as a . . .

Been counting the days
until that curtain goes up
and those lights dim once again.

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

1 posted 2002-03-04 09:37 PM

I like it alot, and dont see any changes....sorry I couldnt help

~LCBS

-Queth-
Junior Member

since 2002-02-10

Posts 35
Canada

2 posted 2002-03-04 09:46 PM

-Cinderelly-

I might be able to help, though it probably won't be a lot. -smile- It's nice as it is.

{2 hours,
caught up in a world,
where he’s all I see.}- Small thing: you could write out the number 2. I find it has more effect. As well, for the last two lines, you could instead put-
[Caught in world,
He's all I see.] which would improve the structure and meter to a certain extent.

{November,
not so long ago,
left speechless,
without so much as a . . .}- I liked your pause here. Very effective.

Those are my only suggestions. Good luck with the piece! -smiles-

Q.u.e.t.h.

Everything in between...

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2002-03-04 11:22 PM

I dont really see n e thing needing to be changed either hun...im sorry!! i liked it jus as it is

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.