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Teen Poetry #5
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Ceinwyn
Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175
VA

0 posted 2002-02-12 06:36 PM


I'm writing this as I go..and I'm not quite sure about the last few lines, let me know what you think please..I'm not pleased with it..*sigh*


Stars dance above my head
As I lie, careless in my bed
Meandering through restless energy
Trying to grasp
Onto what has been really bothering me
I have my moments
Strapping myself onto a roller coaster ride
And moments
When I long to pour out myself
To someone sincere
I always seem to be able to focus
And my heart for a slight moment
In time no longer is blurry
It will stand frozen
Relaxing this constant frame of mind
The flickering flame of
The constant burning pink candle
In my soul
Tells me I need to let go
And this time, I must be strong
Never to give in
Ever again
Encourging me that I can do this
And this time
I will find a lasting friendship
That will forever linger upon my soul's lips
Like a sweet mixture of tangerine and tear drops..


[This message has been edited by Ceinwyn (02-12-2002 06:47 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Kristen Brandon - All Rights Reserved
Maverick Heart
New Member
since 2002-02-12
Posts 3
In the darkness of my mind...
1 posted 2002-02-12 06:42 PM


For 'as you go' this isn't bad...not at all! I'm sure if you look it over and work at it more, then you'll like it. Don't kick yourself.

Who's going to save those who're already dead?

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495
LI, New York
2 posted 2002-02-12 06:43 PM


I can associate with the feelings in this poem very well, they come across strong.  I agree that the last lines aren't perfect, but I could not have done better.  I'm sorry I can't come up with a suggestion.  I loved the poem anyway, it is VERY good!

[This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (02-12-2002 06:44 PM).]

Kielo
Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109

3 posted 2002-02-12 07:37 PM


Hey, I really liked the poem, it was written beautifully. I too can see that perhaps the last few lines might be better, but I couldn't think of anything to suggest. If I do, and its anything close to good, I'll let you know.

As far as critique, I found the rhyming annoying, because it was inconsistent. However, I do that all the time when I write as I go, so maybe I should keep my mouth shut... I also think it could use a little punctuation. A period here and there would make it easier, for me anyway, to read. Of course, I am not a genius in any way, so don't take my word for it.

Overall, I really enjoyed it.

Ceinwyn
Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175
VA
4 posted 2002-02-12 07:47 PM


Bless you child!! heheh you don't know how relieved I am to get a critique like that!! the replies are much appreciated

Love,
Kristen

LCBS
Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532
Connecticut
5 posted 2002-02-12 09:37 PM


You dont even comprehend how much I love your last lines....

OO I can't even explain it....

GREAT POEM!

~LCBS

Exeryone makes mistake, learn from them and move on, because tomorrow we'll make more...

Kielo
Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109

6 posted 2002-02-12 10:04 PM


Child, eh? Oh well, maybe I am. lol...

As far as liking the critique, no problem. I do my best! (wow, and on my second post too... YES! takes a bow)

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