oops... this still needs a title... well, this IS a title

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dastard
Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 55
in tearing silence

0 posted 2002-02-04 09:39 PM

Breathe in, breathe out
as time flies by
wondering about
life's hollow shine

Breathe in... and STOP!
don't go away
I have the wish
to make moments stay

Breathe in, breathe out
my mind falls deep
the place to be
is in your arms keep

Breathe in, breathe out
so I'm last gazing
waiting for you
and thinking "Keep breathing"

#*#*#* Goshie... it happened again... so crappy! I'm Soo sorry... honestly! And still I claim I'm innocent of this... I was waitng for a CERTAIN PERSON to come online at a time that we were actually supposed to talk... but NOOOO! *sigh* well, see you around folks... #*#*#*

"Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt" ~Marie, the girl of a thousand truths

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2002-02-04 10:48 PM

....*cries more*...im praying for her with all my might.

eyes...........feeel...D
rooop
Y
..zzzzz...

dastard
Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 55
in tearing silence

2 posted 2002-02-05 12:32 PM

yeh... unfortunately this one got a whole new meaning just after I posted it... it's unbelievable how changing circumstances can twist around things' meanings... nothing but a sparkle of hope keeps me going these days...

to any of you, thanks for your [still to come] replies... I don't think I will check in here again as it has become unbelievable hard to me now... thanks for your support!

"Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt" ~Marie, the girl of a thousand truths

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

3 posted 2002-02-05 09:15 AM

*I-missed-something!!*

This-was-good-tho.I-liked-it.

Jenn

"You are the strength, that keeps me walking- you are the hope that keeps me trusting."

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

4 posted 2002-02-05 12:18 PM

actually I liked this. it wasn't crappy at all. i liked the breathe in..stop part. very different but the flow wasnt bad. overall it was pretty darn good. lots of meaning

keep posting my dear

*dq

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

5 posted 2002-02-05 12:46 PM

First off, I love your critique message. I do think most people post just the good stuff. (Shrugs) Anyway I do like this one much. The flow was pretty good and the way you felt or feel is well expressed. One thing I didn't like. Your first stanza is off. Or your second, third, fourth stanza's are off. Maybe you planned it this way but in the first stanza your rhyming lines are 1 and 3. In all the others the rhyming lines are 2 and 4. This kind of bothered me but seeing as how your fourth line in the first stanza is my favorite line of the entire poem, It didn't distract me much. Anyway hope it works out for you.

ex animo,
Aaron

There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

6 posted 2002-02-05 01:38 PM

Its not crappy..its real!!!! If i had a dime for every time this kinda thing has happened to me...well actually now im starting to sound like my grandparents..but the point is that im shur everyone can relate to this..loss of breath...heavy chest..breathing completely out of ones control..aint it exciting!?

BoOsH bOoSh nApoLE

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