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Teen Poetry #5
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New Dawn - A Paradelle for Rhonda
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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New Dawn - A Paradelle for Rhonda |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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New Dawn The Fire in my heart, The Fire in my heart, Glowing in the night, Glowing in the night, My heart in the night, In the fire glowing, Beauty in the falling sky, Beauty in the falling sky, A sleepy fading moon , A sleepy fading moon , A Beauty falling sleepy, Moon in the fading sky, Our earth of gentle love, Our earth of gentle love, Her whisper upon the wind, Her whisper upon the wind, Whisper of our gentle earth, Her love upon the wind, The wind upon the earth, A whisper of her beauty, In the fading night, The glowing moon falling, In our sleepy gentle love, Skyfire in my heart. To Rhonda Find me a problem a pigeon can't solve and I'll find you a pigeon to solve it. [This message has been edited by Marshalzu (01-25-2002 12:06 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
Marshalzu, I think this is really so beautifully written!! I like the style in which it is written, the way you arrange the words in each stanza to arrive at the last 2 lines in the stanza... BRILLIANT!!  _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
wow, this is an incredible piece, definitely an addition to my library. this is a difficult style to master, and its hard to make the end result come out as beautifully as this did. keep posting your work and ill keep reading it. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*sniffs* I don't know what to say! Thank you so much! I'm like, flustered again. Thank you. Find me a pidgeon that can solve my problems, and I'll find you a cat that can eat that pidgeon |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Beautifully written my friend, beautiful work here.  This was very sweet, and a great write. Good luck on your journey of love.Titus Find me a pidgeon, and then I'll know where Zu and Sky are. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thank you for you wonderful replies and I'm glad you like it Rhon thats all that matters  I wish I was a pigeon so that I could fly across the world |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
*applauds* I love paradelles! I think I would love them more if I could write them... *shrug* But Marie + format = bad things. I really enjoyed this. Beautiful work, Zu.. I am truly impressed. And I hope she enjoyed this, because if anyone wrote something like this for me, I would certainly melt in their hands. Well done! --Marie I wish your fingers could touch all I can't say... no one should ever feel this alone. |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
omg that was so purdy! so is in love!!!!!! hehe! anywho great poem hun i wish i could write like that. robin i have a wish but only a certain guy can fufill it! |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
hah i like your critique message... anyways, ive always liked paradelles and this one just makes me like em even more. you wrote this well andrew. ive always enjoyed reading from you. keep on writin hun. tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*grins* I read it again... I love it even more! Thank you again sweetie! Donate to Rhonda's Crossing the Atlantic Fund!!! |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Aww, Zu. This is so sweet! ^_^ And so beautifully written too! Just right for Rhonda, ne? ^^ I always look forward to your posts, since they're always such a pleasure to read. So keep writing scoobyzu. ^_^ -Leah Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Well said Leah. Titus "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
OK I'm definitely no expert on how these should be written but the first two stanzas, line 5 and 6 read really awkwardly. They don't follow on from eachother and make the piece distracting. The third is really good. I liked that one. The final stanza is alright. Last line is fantastic but yeah, you get what I mean. Although you're a great writer, this wasn't up to your usual standard. It lacked a lot of things that make your pieces so good. Oh well, practice makes perfect. Hope you didn't mind the honesty. I'm in one of those moods. ~AF~ If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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rubberband Junior Member
since 2002-01-04
Posts 26Will be half Swiss one day |
awwwwwww...... That is so romantic! It is about time she found you! Put your past behind you, not you past in front of you! |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
This was awesome. So interesting to read. It said so much with so little, know what I mean. Excellent work. Jon "Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur |
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