How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Teen Poetry #5 Archive
 The Tragedy of a Swan and Her Man   [ Page: 1  2  ]
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

The Tragedy of a Swan and Her Man

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


0 posted 12-04-2001 02:26 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dopey Dope

NOTE: From what I understand, I have not posted a poem since July. I am sure most of the people reading this no longer remember how I used to write, or never read my poetry at all to begin with, so I'll put it plainly.....read this as if you've never read a poem at all from me, and if you've never read one in the first place, then you're in luck. You've been spared the trouble. Kudos!  
Anyhow folks, move along now. Read at your own risk. Try to grasp the concept if you dare. Feel the poem, see the poem, BE the poem...*cringes in his lameness*.....bye!
The Tragedy of a Swan and Her Man:


I am the man with no heart.
The man whos eyes have become blurred with so much blood he cannot see.
The man with so much emotion he cannot express a single feeling.
I am the nothingness that everything truly is.
I am the sadness every broken heart has ever felt.
I am, and what I am is not.

I am not happy with just any old dance,
But rather the sways and leaps of a swan.
The dance of life and completeness.
The emotions of a passion crazed animal
Who knows nothing except that it exists and that it loves!

Love, oh love, I am nothing without you.
Dying and ever so motionless.
My dance has ceased, my swan nature has gone.
I am a man now. The man with no heart.
I am the man who knew what he wanted,
But never attained it and died.

Feathers ruffled, tears shed, and a soul incomplete.
The swan dances no more, and the man, the man never was.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

© Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


1 posted 12-04-2001 02:47 AM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood



...

...

...

...

Yo.

Know something?  I didn't exactly predict the content of this poem, although when it came together in the end I realized what it was communicating.  

You show me a man who was so filled with emotion, with love, that he based his life on it.  His senses are blotted out by this wonderful feeling that he knows, and he immerses himself in it.  

Suddenly, it is removed.  And what does he have left?  He discovers that his dependence on "love" has left him unable to cope with its removal.  Now, without a heart, he isn't even a man, because his humanity was blotted out by the complete emotion that he felt, that he dedicated himself to.

Close enough?  I know you don't like quality replies to your poetry, so I'm trying to interperet a bit.  

The swan... that's the symbol that wore out my thinking cap.  I guess I would have to conclude that the swan is the elegance and beauty of love, which makes the man in the poem picky about anything other than it.  Nothing matches the swan, and when the swan leaves, nothing is any good right?  No swan, no quality of life.

I'm not 100% sure with my interperetation, I wouldn't be surprised if I was way off.  You deep poet you.... always messing with my mind...  

Ok, now for the Allan reply.     It's about time!

The first stanza... hmm... a bit tricky.  I like the repetition of the first few words in most lines.  That was a neat trick, made the stanza sound kind of quizzical.  Like a riddle (which is appropriate).

The second stanza I can't see much fault in.  It stands apart from the first in structure, but the last line... I can't help but think the last line should be two lines.  Know what I mean?  'Course you do, clever guy.  'Course you do.

Same with the third line of stanza 3, a measly comma doesn't seem to justify the two separate thoughts, however similar they are.  And the fourth line... would it sound better as the last line?  Up to you, just a suggestion.

The last couplet?  A couplet!  Great way to finish any poem, especially one with a riddlish quality.  That's superb as it is.

Don't take my criticism the wrong way, although I know you wouldn't.  
I've missed your writing, man.  It has depth... that's hard to find in these forums, especially nowadays.  Really, really good to see you return, and read your freshest piece.

Best wishes for all the future.  We may not talk on MSN much, but every poem you post here, I'll reply to... and that's communication of some sort, at the very least.

Until next our paths cross, Javier...
~Allan

"I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible."
~Vangelis

Knight of Secrecy
Member
since 10-12-2001
Posts 122
San Juan, Puerto Rico


2 posted 12-04-2001 09:14 AM       View Profile for Knight of Secrecy   Email Knight of Secrecy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Knight of Secrecy

This is a great poem man. It's good to see you posting again.I like it.

"I feel the sting of an insignificant wasp, and yet,I fear that I am alergic"

Alyssa
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 05-30-2001
Posts 1279
IM ENGAGED!!!!!


3 posted 12-04-2001 11:40 AM       View Profile for Alyssa   Email Alyssa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alyssa

NIce to see you posting again dude!
nice poem!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
     You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

banburycross
Senior Member
since 03-27-2001
Posts 1087
viginia


4 posted 12-04-2001 01:18 PM       View Profile for banburycross   Email banburycross   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for banburycross

i more or less got the same thing out of this that allan did, do i wont bother repeating all that    this is beautiful work, and the way you pulled the pieces togeher at the end left me speachless.  this is truly inspiring writing.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

banburycross
Senior Member
since 03-27-2001
Posts 1087
viginia


5 posted 12-04-2001 01:27 PM       View Profile for banburycross   Email banburycross   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for banburycross

sorry about the second reply, forgot to add it to my library

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Winston Froom
Junior Member
since 11-28-2001
Posts 32


6 posted 12-04-2001 01:57 PM       View Profile for Winston Froom   Email Winston Froom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Winston Froom

Fantastic verse.  Sheer beauty.  I'm still feeling for the man.   The Swan is somehow still dancing the good dance in my head.  Make it STOP!   Bravo.

............... W.B.
Jenn Cirrincione
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 07-02-2000
Posts 4370
Fl


7 posted 12-04-2001 02:35 PM       View Profile for Jenn Cirrincione   Email Jenn Cirrincione   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jenn Cirrincione

Well, well Javi. I liked this a lot. I'll side with Allan on the interpretation. It makes sense that would be accurate. Hard to exist without what you thought MADE you exist. Now you're still breathing, and it's almost unreal, like now what do you do?! Anyway, I liked this, glad to see your work again.

Jenn

"I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..."

rolly_polly
Member
since 10-10-2001
Posts 50
puerto rico


8 posted 12-04-2001 03:44 PM       View Profile for rolly_polly   Email rolly_polly   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rolly_polly

Hey man, it's been a while since i read something of yours, i thought this was amazing and very thought provoking  ...the second stanza is brilliant, it really got to me. This is some beautiful writing and also I love the couplet which i thought ended this piece perfectly  
Anyway hurrah for this poem! it rocks...*cheers*  
Laterz


~parallel universe~

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


9 posted 12-04-2001 05:30 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Ah!! I saw your name listed here in the poetry section and knew there would be a treat in store for me if I read it. I enjoyed this so much Dopey. It flowed and moved with feeling - I read it with my heart, not my head. And I felt it. That's the sign of a good poem...when it makes someone FEEL.

It's SO nice to read you again.    
cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
Posts 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


10 posted 12-05-2001 12:46 AM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cherish

im glad you posted this one. again i have to say that i loved the lines "My dance has ceased, my swan nature has gone"
&"I am the man who knew what he wanted,
But never attained it and died."...

and reading it again i do see where you feel your thoughts are displaced, having said that, i still think that your ideas so transition well. the thought of who you are and of how you live and what means most to you and then having that taken from you is linked well with the swan dance. you did a very good job of this. i remember liking the ending- now i have someone to agree with me. sad, but well written...keep posting po-phi-mu-tist (hehe)....





i luve mi con-tray! lyke a big an brown stetch olan wiv losa sun!


anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 03-23-2001
Posts 4172


11 posted 12-05-2001 02:08 PM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

Damn, now thats what i call, a poem...totally amazing...the tone of this piece gave out some sort of melancholy yet mysterious tone...loved how you written this out, and im glad to come back and see one of your poems in the forums. Gracias amigo,  enjoyed the read.

Hey...#25437
What!
You in there?
Yea, im in here.
ok

PoetryIsLife
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 10-27-2001
Posts 4115
...in my boxers...


12 posted 12-05-2001 04:51 PM       View Profile for PoetryIsLife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoetryIsLife

The way you expressed the man's pain and torment, in not having that which he based himself upon, was amazing. A sad piece, but it makes one think. Well done! I'm glad to have finally read a piece of yours.

Sincerely,
Titus
Morouxshi San
Member
since 10-11-2000
Posts 207
San Juan, Puerto Rico


13 posted 12-06-2001 04:09 AM       View Profile for Morouxshi San   Email Morouxshi San   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Morouxshi San

From what i understand i havent posted ANYTHING AT ALL since sometime in may (im not even going to try looking). this is a very big coincidence cause dope posted something for the first time two days ago.
well its just funny, i think its another great poem by my friend and stalker dope.

and allan shh!

kidding   hehe. im sure you missed that, or not.  

San, the wise
San, the dumb
San, the guy...

keoni
Senior Member
since 10-16-2000
Posts 899
Up in the mountains in the NFC


14 posted 12-06-2001 03:27 PM       View Profile for keoni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for keoni

Dopey, It's been quite a while since I have been able to read anything from you. NOthing has changed at all. I am still very amazed. I really enjoyed this one from you. I can definately relate to this poem, in my own way. Hope you can post more soon. It was great reading something from you.
Jon

"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur
"Sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free"- Bouncing Souls

Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


15 posted 12-06-2001 04:59 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

What do you mean "shh," San?

I'm replying longwindedly now, to make up for all those senryus.  
Child of the Stars
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


16 posted 12-06-2001 07:22 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

Hold on...*reads it again*
Ok wow.

I miss you Javi! And your pieces....yea I think I got the same thing out of this as everyone else (that makes me normal, ew) and I had to sway back and forth while reading, it was just one of those. I think I just did some sort of time travel deal oO;
I loved it....

  ~Carly

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 12-06-2001).]

Crash&Burn
Member
since 01-18-2001
Posts 221


17 posted 12-06-2001 09:22 PM       View Profile for Crash&Burn   Email Crash&Burn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Crash&Burn

you and your contradicting verses. lol yes yes there's, what you call it....poetic beauty aaaaaa nevermind. Well you again Javier this piece is very deep and symbolic to pretty much what your feeling now or what your were feeling not so long ago *eyes wonder* as for that swan I think I could point her out *looks around room* Anyways yes my firend, I believe one of this poems main themes is that eternal quest to find love and stay with love throughout not so that you base your life willingly in love, because life is ALWAYS based in love, it's just something we were born with, maybe it's a human flaw, some say it's a strenght I'm still undecided  . Anyways it was a wonderful piece I really enjoyed it, hope to see you posting again my friend.

I see the darkness coming all is bleak...

anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


18 posted 12-07-2001 12:15 PM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

So then this isn't about you giving up your heterosexuality then?  

Javier you know i can never say anything that will measure up to how I truly feel so how about we leave this one up to our minds to communicate rather than through that of words.  

~AF~

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.


Spice
Member Elite
since 04-13-2001
Posts 4474
Resting in my cardboard box.


19 posted 12-08-2001 11:34 AM       View Profile for Spice   Email Spice   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Spice's Home Page   View IP for Spice

LMAO@LIzzy...

*Ahem*

Yet again...I'm pissed off now at you AND Cherish for posting like a bloody week ago and never telling ME.

Anyway...
Nice poem...Not exactly my TOP favorite from you, but a great piece none-the-less. And, might I add, you captured/described yourself/mindset absolutely perfectly. (Obviously, I COMPLETELY agree w/ Alan on the interpretation.   )
As for the last 2 lines...loved em, ecspecially the first of the 2.

Thanks for the read, Deary....However, I'm still waiting on one titled "Jessica"...INFACT, thats goes ot ALL of you PIPsters. LOL

"I'd rather die purposely alone than to have lived an accidental life of solitude."- Jesa "g" Thompson

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


20 posted 12-10-2001 02:06 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

I thank you all for the kind replies. It means a great deal to me  

If any of you would like the explanation, do tell  

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


21 posted 12-10-2001 02:11 AM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

I'll have the explanation please.  
Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 03-14-2001
Posts 4302
Lynchburg, Virginia


22 posted 12-10-2001 11:48 AM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

  Javier... this is awesome.  The few pieces I've had the pleasure to read from you are always fantastic.  Your thinking astounds me.  The different ideas you bring up in this piece amaze me.  Truly..

The emotion you portray never falters throughout.  That's one of the aspects of this particular poem I think I like the best.  Everything is constant and steady, but the reader feels every word, bitterly.

There are a few lines that jumped out at me right away.
- "I am, and what I am is not."
Very interesting to say this.  Throughout the whole first stanza you speak of what you are, you speak of what you've lost, and then say you've lost yourself.  Intriguing.

I liked in the second stanza how you depicted real love, real dancing with the description: "The emotions of a passion crazed animal"
You say what most would never say, but what most would think.  Almost as if you are the one who dares to admit it to himself.  This portrays, in my opinion, the honesty of the person you're speaking of.

In the third stanza, everything begins to come together.  The reader, once left in the air about what you were portraying, is beginning to understand, and it's painful. "Love, oh love, I am nothing without you./Dying and ever so motionless."
The bitterness depicted, and the raw emotion makes the reader want to continue with passion...

I agree with Allan that using a witty couplet at the end was clever.  This not only leaves the reader thinking about this piece for a while, but makes the reader (it made me at least) want to go back and read it over and over.

Nice work Javi.  I haven't read much to compare this to, but the depths of your mind amaze me.

I enjoyed this, as always.  I hope you decide to post again, relatively soon.

--Marie

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the most frustrated people in the world are those who know they're stupid, but keep trying anyway.

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 12-10-2001).]

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Laureate
since 06-07-2000
Posts 14805
Twilight Zone


23 posted 12-21-2001 11:50 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

javier --- why so much negativity?
if you did wrong before, correct it by doin right now
plain and simple
I know you can do it

l o est mon amour?
donde est mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


24 posted 10-16-2002 10:05 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

You never did deliver on that explaination, did you?

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Teen Poetry #5 >> The Tragedy of a Swan and Her Man   [ Page: 1  2  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors