navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » Elements of the Dead
Teen Poetry #5
Post A Reply Post New Topic Elements of the Dead Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

0 posted 2001-11-30 01:32 AM



Elements of the Dead

A thousand lives turn below
And displace the earth, opening it up
Before being slowly covered in snow.

Their homes now, are cold and still.
Yet fires erupt from deep within,
And scorch them despite the outside chill.

Trapped within their rudimentary wombs
As icy water seeps, snake like, through mounds of soil,
Slowly congesting their dark embryonic tombs

Breaths of being haunt and howl
Methodically, through souls, like an incensed raging wind,
Sanctioning an immutable lamenting yowl.

In their minds an abandoned cobweb throbs.
No heart beats for the long interred.
Just a pulsating spirit, void of life and overcome with sobs.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


maybe im just trying too hard...blah!

Interred- buried



       

  

i luve mi con-tray! lyke a big an brown stetch olan wiv losa sun!




[This message has been edited by cherish (edited 11-30-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 cherish - All Rights Reserved
dastard
Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 55
in tearing silence
1 posted 2001-11-30 08:37 AM


awww... why can't I be happy to read such an excellent poem huh?  

{place random, but good, sig HERE}

Knight of Secrecy
Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2001-11-30 10:27 AM


Hey, good poem here, if you think you are trying to hard then take it slow, don't push it too much.

-C.M.

Android 17
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
3 posted 2001-11-30 11:34 AM


Hmmm...what I try to do if I think I'm trying too hard is to simplify what I want to say! Just remember that your most dangerous weapon is yoru mind...and if things get to complicated---simply your thoughts!

I enjoyed this one...just maybe simply it abit more! It could be the fact that I just woke up and my brain is switched to "Off"...I don't know! *yawn*

"Fighting was the only thing I was good at...but I at least I always fought for what I beleived in..."

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2001-11-30 01:32 PM


Hey, i read this before and i liked it. I still like it, I don't think my opinion about the poem would change in a day. Anyhow, Mua! Wonderful poem. Pretty sad and dark. *shivers*
Hope to see more!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
5 posted 2001-11-30 04:40 PM


CHERISH!!!!!!  *runs up and gives you a huge hug*  I missed you so much!

This piece was absolutely amazing.  Very beautiful work.  You haven't lost your tough!  The vocabulary throughout was awesome!  The whole language of the poem really set the tone.  "rudimentary".. whew!       Oh, and I also really like the HTML.  It added lots of cool effects.  I think this is a fine piece, and the dark feel to it just tops it off.  You're a wonderful writer, what can I say?

I'm scooting now... rambling isn't a good thing for someone like me!  *hugs*

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 11-30-2001).]

TopGunLauren
Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718
California
6 posted 2001-11-30 05:41 PM


Very amazing poem I love it just like all of your other poems.Keep up the awsome work I can't wait to read more.
  Lauren

cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
7 posted 2001-12-05 09:12 PM


custard~
hehhe..i wont force you to read my poem next time- i know i know...im cruel...its in my nature i can help it!

c~
advice taken im glad you took the time to read. thanks

kiddo~
simplify my thoughts! ive only got three pieces of dust floating round my head...*sigh*...ok simplify them i will...doctors orders

dopes~
*hands you a coat* thanks for replying here- ya didnt have to, but im glad you took the time.  

marie~
*jumps marie with a HUGE hug* ive missed you SOOOO much! im so glad you replied- it means a lot to me. hehe rudimentry? i remember finding out that that meant in history class six years ago...kinda like one of my frist "big-more-then-two-syllables" word after "environment" ...thank you so much
for taking the time to read. you should post a few things for us to devour too!

lauren~
thank you for reading, its always nice to see you around...keep posting!

       

  

i luve mi con-tray! lyke a big an brown stetch olan wiv losa sun!



Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
8 posted 2001-12-09 12:27 PM


trying to hard? what you mean by that?
this is an excellent post, boy I almost missed it too
*standing ovation*
I didn't know you had it in you  
thanks for the marvelous read

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?


anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
9 posted 2001-12-09 03:59 AM


*mental note: Look harder next time for missed pieces*  

Cherish, wow. You never cease to amaze me. The whole style of this piece is very cool and the wording is exceptional! You've struck a chord in this heart and made me quite gloomy. Nonetheless, it shows what a great writer you truly are if you can do so!  

Grazie mille for sharing this! Into the library it's going.

~AF~

"When I eat I feel. It is better if I don't feel, I am too afraid." - Ellen West

rolly_polly
Junior Member
since 2001-10-10
Posts 41
puerto rico
10 posted 2001-12-09 11:06 AM


Hey Cherish! This was a very good and intresting read...love the ending, very very dark and I LIKE!  
Anyway i hope to see more soon.
Laterz

~parallel universe~

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

11 posted 2001-12-12 05:43 PM


Oi! VERY dark and gloomish...i like your sytle of writing...and trying too hard?...you aint trying to hard, hell...its pure talent

i found it thought-provoking as well...since i didnt exactly know a word or two?   HeHe...see you around poet.

Hey...#25437
What!
You in there?
Yea, im in here.
ok

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495
LI, New York
12 posted 2001-12-12 07:28 PM


I like this poem, dark as it may be.  Sorry for dissappearing for so long, but moving sucks.  I know how trying to hard makes you think it is a bad poem, but this is not bad at all!
Alyssa
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385
IM ENGAGED!!!!!
13 posted 2001-12-12 08:32 PM


I like this poem actaully. I usually like most of your poems anyway but i dunno why i just really like this one...dunno.
Thanks for sharing.

[This post has been created by Alyssa, be joyous she has graced you with her pressence!!!]

MindlessPoet
Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 106
Texas
14 posted 2001-12-12 11:51 PM


I like you.. this is good and your message excouraging critiques is humouring    I would like to join whoever it was in saying about your vocabulary usage: wow.

For now, all I can do is dream.

Marshalzu
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681
Lurking
15 posted 2001-12-13 05:39 AM


Amazing like always, another great piece for the libary me thinks keep on writing  

~The feelings are all replaced and the words are all decayed but its another day~ "My Vitriol"

Xeonox
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
16 posted 2002-01-18 02:10 AM


I ain't trying to figure out you or nothing, but you bring your past back a lot into this. It's not like you don't want to let it go, it just you can't cause you are living the past in the present?

Ronil

Ronil (One becomes god only when they have fully understood the role of being a human being.)

xShUgArHiGhx
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
17 posted 2002-01-18 09:56 AM


Your writing is great..i absolutely love the way you express things..wonderful post

yOu GeT wAt u PaId 4 bUt i JuS hAd nO..iNtEnTion oF liVin tHis waY --Counting crows

mistic
Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.
18 posted 2002-01-18 03:35 PM


very nice.. and dark
zarina
Member
since 2001-05-19
Posts 180

19 posted 2002-01-18 04:19 PM


I love your poems cherish This one included..

I'm always myslef. Isn't that enough for you?

Demonic Illusion
Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 50

20 posted 2002-03-05 11:59 AM


*lights a candle to light up the dark and nods his head* that was sweet
Ceinwyn
Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175
VA
21 posted 2002-03-05 06:26 PM


Very intriguing and very spooky all in one!!! Amazingly done how do you do it?

Kristen

C?
Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190

22 posted 2002-03-06 12:43 PM


hey hey cherish!
I love your use of vocabulary! If I had your vocabulary, well, I know what I'd do!

Android 17
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
23 posted 2002-03-06 12:47 PM


I think that no matter how old it is...your work can easily find itself in the ranks of heroes!

Others are too in love with the sound of their own voice to speak the truth...

cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
24 posted 2002-03-20 12:29 PM


took me a long time to come back to this didnt it?

toona- trying too hard means im just trying to hard to make it sound like "something". there are some pieces of poetry i love and others which i dont and the reason this is a bit on the off side with me is that i was trying too hard on the technical aspects of it instead of the content. make sense? thanks for reading it..i got a standing ovation! *smiles*

lizzy- thanks for the reply...didnt know it was possible to stike a chord in anyones heart..but ive managed to this time.. thanks for reading chica!

Rola- thank you sweetie..^_^

alberta- you shoulda told me which words you didnt know..i dont set out to write a poem which ppl cant understand y'know ~_* thanks for replying little one!

rich- thanks for your encouragement..and moovin aint such a bad thing..you get to leave all the bad stuff behind!

alyssa- LOL! kudos!

MP- ...wow right back at you! you like me? really?^_^...d'you think you couild come down here to aussie?j/k..thanks for reading and replying!

andy- as long as you keep reading, ill keep replying ok?

ronil- i liked your thoughts on my poems...so its ok if you want to 'stalk' my poems a bit more. about this being a piece about my being stuck in the past. im sorry but it wasnt. like i said before, i felt as though i were trying to hard to make it feel like a poem. playing around withthe technical aspects more then the emotional part of it. the poem is essentially and exploration of death and what i would imagine death to be like. the elements being earth, water, fire, wind, and the spiritual element :heart and how whilst we're living we have these things but while we're dead we lose the thing that kept us alive the heart and love. poeple die, their loved ones mourn for a while, but the long dead have no one to mourn for them. and it makes death seem all the more complete. just hoped that clarfied a few things for you :-) thanks for taking such an intrest in my poems..i really appreciate it!

michele- thanks for stopping by girly!

mistic- the darker the better- aint that the way it goes?..thanks for reading.

regi- and i say the very asme thing about your poems..more regi..MORE!

kyles- *giggles* thats so cute...'tis pretty dark aint it?

kris- i have NO idea!

c- What would you do deary? i want to read more from ok acha?

kiddo- ...naaaw..not really..but thanks for the bump!

My england is goodly- are you strudable?

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
25 posted 2002-04-16 02:40 AM


woah. This is the best piece of read in a long time. And I mean LooOOOong time. Glad you posted this cherish hun and that it was bumped up a couple times for me to see it. Going to my library to join the rest of your great pieces. *hugs*
..tiff..

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #5 » Elements of the Dead

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary