Wallflower’s Fantasy (needs help)

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SmileyClar
Junior Member

since 2001-11-23

Posts 16
nowhere anymore

0 posted 2001-11-25 10:01 PM

Ok well this is about me and a guy

and I wanna give it to him, but it needs some work. Its just not what I want yet. It doesnt "paint the picture" very well. So all critism and ideats are greatly appreciated! (group writing project... yippee!)
Wallflower’s Fantasy

The music starts
The dance begins
People come alive on the polished wooden floor
Traditional manners are reborn
And the romantic exhilaration can be felt
Like electricity
As the curtain rises on the carefully choreographed play
My thoughts drift…
Turning ultimately to you

I wish you would appear and pull me out there
Giving me a rose
And our palms would touch
I wish you would turn me around
And I laugh, getting lost in the skirts
And you find me again and again
Ever three counts

I become lost in your breathtaking scent
And your indescribably beautiful eyes
As we open ourselves to the other
See into the other’s soul
Sweet whispers tell deep secrets
Everything I see is suddenly enchanted

Swirling, twirling, whirling
Faster and faster
Lifting into the air
Flying toward heaven
Flying all night long

Finally after all has been told
And all has been danced
And we drop form blissful exhaustion
We are together
Everything else has faded away
As we are close
And your touch melts me
And I know

~Smiley Clar~

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

1 posted 2001-11-26 01:50 PM

i think you have a very good start here, but i do think that it is in need of some work. the first problem that jumps out at me is the flow and rhythm of the first stanza. the second and third stanzas flow much better than the first because in those stanzas you avoid long, bulky words and keep the lines shorter. the best poetry is often the best descrition and imagery created with as few words as possible. this gives the lines more impact and keeps the reader from getting bored and bogged down in long lines. i think you have some wonderful descriptions in this piece and some beautiful imagery, and i would concentrate on building the piece around those.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

2 posted 2001-11-26 10:36 PM

i think you did a good job of this. the only thing that i could see improving are the last few stanzas.....you start off well and strong and sorta dwindle by the end. other then that i think you did an awesome job.

i luve mi con-tray! lyke a big an brown stetch olan wiv losa sun!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

3 posted 2001-12-26 04:29 AM

SmileyClar-
I really enjoyed reading this.
You've created some lovely imagery here,
and I could see the two of you as I read.
I don't know if you've given this to him yet,
but if you haven't, you should.
It's beautiful as it is, and with a bit of
fine tuning, it would be perfect.
Wonderful write.
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-12-26 01:07 PM

You have some beautiful imagery here. This would be a beautiful prose piece. Very nice work. I enjoyed this muchos

--Marie

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the most frustrated people in the world are those who know they're stupid, but keep trying anyway.

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