Untitled... - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

ForeverMyOwn
Junior Member

since 2001-11-23

Posts 13
Brighton, MI

0 posted 2001-11-24 10:02 AM

I dont know how to start this...but oh well...
here it goes...

Alone in the dark,
a pain in my head.
A lone wolf barks,
but my feet are as lead.

I give out a cry,
but this no one hears.
but its not a lie,
it contains all my fears.

Alone i may die,
and a short life i've lived.
I will not cry,
though I've so much to give.

And now it ends,
Time's ugly face rears.
Without no excuse to lend,
i give into my fears.

-Jim

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

1 posted 2001-11-25 01:05 PM

Well, I dont know how to start this either, but all I have to say is whoa! For a moment there I myself was fearing for your life. Those wolves can be quite mean... but remember, like the wolves, fear is your enemy as well

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

2 posted 2001-11-29 12:41 PM

i loved the suttle darkness in the poem
Thatnk for sharing, keep it up

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?

~gretchenp34~
Junior Member

since 2001-10-08

Posts 46
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-11-29 02:58 PM

i REALLLY like what you have written so far. if u decide to add to it im interested in it

that poem so far is great

Love is like learning to play the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play by your heart.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2001-11-29 11:15 PM

i liked this loads! very nicely done..

i luve mi con-tray! lyke a big an brown stetch olan wiv losa sun!

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-11-30 04:33 PM

I really like what you have here.  The meter is overall pretty well done, although rough in some areas.  I dont necessarily agree with the content, but that's a whole nother discussion on it's own.

With the meter, I think there are a few places where you could take out a word, or add a word to enhance the flow.  For instance, you have:

Alone i may die,
and a short life i've lived.
I will not cry,
though I've so much to give.

I think on that third line, a word could be added to have the meter match with the rest of the poem.

You've done a fine job.  I haven't seen much of your work, and I look forward to reading more.

So keep writing and sharing...

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.