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Each Morning's Aurora (Formerly Your Taste)
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Each Morning's Aurora (Formerly Your Taste) |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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Baby, I missed you. Togethor, it’s not so blue; Again, life is a brighter hue. My arms ached to hold on tight, to be with you all night. When we’re with one another, a precious sight. My heart cried out, my burden had much clout, the world seemed so stout! To see you in my eyes, will once again end my cries. Oh sweetheart, you are my sunrise! The house is filled with your aura; my dear, you are not as was Pandora... I wait for the beauty of each morning's aurora. We are one; you are like a plumb, oh, so very delicious! May your taste remain in my mouth forever. Daniel Redding 11/8/01 [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (edited 11-11-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
This one is still under construction. I just wanted to get some feedback on it.  Sincerely, Titus PS: I used the name Lora, because it flowed, but, I don't want to be stuck with it. I want it to apply everywhere and to anyone. Any suggestions? "....this time I was mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking." Nickelback |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
This is nice, but I really don't think that this part fit in with the rest of it: Look! See! I baked you some pies. Also, if this poem isn't about somebody named Lora, perhaps you should replace that with something else. It's a nice piece though, and I would like to see it again if you decide to change anything!! I really enjoyed the last line...~*Nikki*~ ~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
If you're having problems rhyming instead of pies, maybe use despise... capsize... demise...? Sorry if those don't fit I guess I'm a dark poet lol. But the pies part lightened it and made it feel humourous. If that's what you want then keep it but otherwise you might want to change. Theo |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I see how the pie thing fit into it being the taste and all, it seemed a bit forced though....not really flowing...but other than that, I did like this |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I think the pie part worked with it. Maybe try taking the second exclamation mark out and putting in a semi-colon instead... Just a suggestion. ~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!? |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
What do you guys think? Be honest! Everyone who had advice, thank you! You know who you are! At least, I hope you do...  Sincerely, Titus "....this time I was mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking." Nickelback |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
Hey Titus, I like the changes!! This is really pretty, and I think the whole thing works much better now!! Great work!!  ~*Nikki*~~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
i like it. it was very sweet. titus is mine and mine only!!! *glares at rhonda* |
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DawnG
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
Another great poem flowing from your pen. Dawn |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Okay, now I feel stupid... I didn't even see the changes you made *mutters about you taking the pie part out*. I actually like it better now, but I still think the pie thing worked. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
*hides in shame* What a horrible piece! *cringes* I'm sorry for this one, everyone!  Sincerely, Titus "I'll prepare myself, and one day my time will come." |
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