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Teen Poetry #5
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Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-11-08 01:40 PM


Stillborn Heart

Beneath the scatter'd sky I stand
A humbled, less important man
I hold within my bloodied hand
a withered, beating heart

For love I gave the most of me
From tallest mount to deepest sea
But none could kiss a simple flea
however stark his art

If you would bring the world to halt
Suspend each falling grain of salt
And strangle every gaping fault
To stifle out the flames

I'd pick it clean of worthy praise
Of colours that would so amaze
Allowing only blacks and greys
despite your holy claims

For there is nothing quite as grand
That ambles on this tattered land
As you, who in my shaking hand
were stillborn into life

But had love been so kind to me
Perhaps you'd have the eyes to see
That, be it truth or fallacy,
I'd seize you as my wife

© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Knight of Secrecy
Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113
San Juan, Puerto Rico
1 posted 2001-11-08 02:43 PM


It's a great  concept, but I didn't connect with me, I think it was the format that I just don't like.

-C.M.

AngelPoet87
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280
Indy
2 posted 2001-11-08 03:42 PM


Actually I like the format really well. To me, it just flows, especially with what you were writting. But I suppose thats all in how it is read. Anyway, I think you did a good job on this. You already know you have  a way with words, and it shows well in this piece. Good write, I look forward to more to come. Take care.
~Ali

Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel... A tes souhaits... A tes amours... Qu ils restent. Jatdore.

A Square Paraboloid
New Member
since 2001-11-06
Posts 8

3 posted 2001-11-08 08:44 PM


Amazing imagery. The world, suspended, frozen, at loss of all power, and the narrator stealing that power and using it to show what truly is. The format was incredibly well done; I noticed not one flaw in rhythm, meter. Another piece to be proud of, my love.

A Square Paraboloid

"I'm weary, but weary happens...it's no tradgedy."

xShUgArHiGhx
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
4 posted 2001-11-09 10:07 AM


This piece was so strong and so full of emotion..truely a great job!

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

keoni
Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC
5 posted 2001-11-09 03:28 PM


Excellent piece. I loved it!
Jon

"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur
"Sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free"- Bouncing Souls

vixengrl04
Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495
East Haddam, CT
6 posted 2001-11-09 06:19 PM


I like the style of this piece, you did a great job!!  

~*Nikki*~

~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~

Spine Grinder
Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...
7 posted 2001-11-10 11:15 AM


wow, i really liked this....it had awesum imagery...this wuz great thanks 4 the read byE!

ugh, my life is like a soap opera, everyday something new comes along and makes it 10x worse

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
8 posted 2001-11-10 02:38 PM


ok, dont know what the others are talkin bout :p but i absolutely *loved* this. its going into my library. you had great imagery, flow, rhyme scheme... twas all there   the poem it self was just excellently done. *clap* i think you did very well here. great job!
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
9 posted 2001-11-16 05:07 AM


i have to say that this is etreamly well done mr. milk! i loved the imagery within this- the macbre paralled with the concept of love. good schtuff...i enjoyed this to the fullest..fill my boots with the stuff and ill be happy

       

  

BUM!



Jeremiah Johnson
Senior Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 1223
Brooksville, Fl, U.S
10 posted 2001-11-27 02:28 PM


can't believe i missed this one to. well its also great and your a very good poet you should post more poetry here my friend i'm sure all would enjoy

I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson-


Ina
Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada
11 posted 2001-11-27 11:38 PM


well.....local parasite...i dont know...there was something in your poem that truly bothered me. the imagery was good, the flow also....maybe i didnt understand it. well i hope you do keep writing,
perhaps ill figure out what bothered me...
Regina

[This message has been edited by Ina (edited 11-27-2001).]

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