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Teen Poetry #5
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November Foretold
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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November Foretold |
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Knight of Secrecy Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113San Juan, Puerto Rico |
NOVEMBER FORETOLD Walk on, towards your grave and leave behind your humanity reverends of the plague one by one, watch them fall a never ending stairway filled with agony of memories incomplete but what is missing? no essence,just someone to forsake 3 thousand years for each of my tears inmortality inside your fears whats left to remember, just november time of cold, and shadows that foretold keeper of my isolated sanctuary keeper of my secrets in my tomb land where flowers bloom keeper of a cold mortuary 3 thousand years for each of my tears inmortality inside your fears whats left to remember, just november time of cold, and shadows that foretold Ok this is an old song of mine,I really don't like it that much, but I thought I'd post it since were in november and this was written last november cause of some **** that had happened. Enjoy! -C.M. [This message has been edited by Knight of Secrecy (edited 11-07-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Carlos Machado - All Rights Reserved | |||
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K. Rebel Junior Member
since 2001-10-21
Posts 40San Juan, PR |
This is pretty nice Carlos, dark but still nice i love the "keeper of my tomb" thing man this is nice |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Most people write songs to sound good in my experience, it's rare to see someone writing one as a form of poetic expression. But I might just be a very sheltered little virus, mightn't I? I like your use of language in the poem. Some good words, like mortuary, helped improve the effect. Theo |
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TopGunLauren Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718California |
Nice piece I like it! Lauren |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
¡Hola Carlos! ^__^;;; Geez...*paces back and forth* What've you been eating? Whatever it is...I WANT SOME NOW!!! hehe. *wonders what she's been eating...* *Ahem* *stares at poem* You know...this is really dark. Really deep dark. Really...foreboding. It gives a nice sense of theme to your poem. Even your title matches it! "3 thousand years for each of my tears" My only critique is...spell out numbers rather than put them stark naked. I personally think it looks better in poems, and it gives more impact. If you only put "3" there, it doesn't seem to hit me as a big number, regardless of the "thousand" that followed. Do I make any sense? Probably not, but you're a smart boy, and you'll figure it out...I hope. lol. ^^; Keep a-postin'! ^___^; ++ Leah ++ Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
This was great Carlos. hope all is well with you..... Regina |
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Knight of Secrecy Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 113San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Everything is ok Regina, this poem was written a year ago, I'm fine. -C.M. |
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Crash&Burn Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 119 |
y el grupo de boricuas continua creziendo  good read  I see the darkness coming all is bleak... |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
Yea this definitely sounds like a song! It's good, I like the vocabulary that you used. It's really deep. Good work! ~*Nikki*~ ~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~ |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
You did pretty good I never actually though of it as a song not till you said something in the end keep sharing là où est mon amour? |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Splendid.... |
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