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lil_pwheeler
Junior Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 39
here

0 posted 2001-10-29 08:52 PM

I've been gone for a while. A little bit of a mind block. Not my best here.

No matter how hard I try
My dreams get shot down and die
They say it'll all soon be okay
But lets save it for another day
So why'd it have to be me
My wings are clipped than let free
The warnings and the signs
Silent screams in my mind
Its wrong but it all feels right
Our lives will change tonight
Its the last time I'll see them
But mabey its best that way in the end
I try and I try
But fall short and I cry
The way we treat others make me sick
My hearts just two sizes too big
We're making doves cry and angels weap
In our hearts hidden secrets we keep

No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

[This message has been edited by lil_pwheeler (edited 10-29-2001).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2001-10-30 12:22 PM

"We're making doves cry and angels weap"

Wow, I love this part. What an awesome line! Even if you don't think it's one of your best, DON'T SAY THAT!!! All your (and everyone else's) is a work of art, and if you don't think it's great, someone else definately will. Keep it up!

~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!?

~Love me because I am Rhonda

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

2 posted 2001-10-30 10:23 AM

This is a really good poem!! I loved the wording you used...good job!

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2001-11-04 11:47 PM

hey! this was quite good, i also like the line that speaks of doves and angels...you know what's really messed up? i live in wisconsin and right now they're trying to make it legal to hunt and kill doves... they wonder why the world is horrible when we kill our own national symbol of peace. anywayz...i liked the poem. keep writing, yay!
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

A Square Paraboloid
New Member

since 2001-11-06

Posts 8

4 posted 2001-11-06 03:32 PM

This was interesting, a good expression of teenage life. Perhaps the overused rhyme took away from the full effect of the piece, but that was not too influential. A nice write, and I am glad your mind gave you a chance to write again.

A Square Paraboloid

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

5 posted 2001-11-06 04:32 PM

Tanya, I wouldn't call the rhyme "overused." The rhyme was profound, but the uneven line size kept it from tiring in my opinion. I really like your title.

Theo

DawnG

Senior Member

since 2000-06-23

Posts 1494
United States

6 posted 2001-11-07 12:55 PM

Very good poem.

Dawn

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-11-12 12:56 PM

you did really good and i hope things get better.
thanks for sharing

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-11-12 07:04 PM

I thought you did quite well in writing the poem. The flow was off in certain places, but for the most part it was a well written piece. Very heart wrenching.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

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