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Teen Poetry #5
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chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2001-10-27 07:35 PM


Sorrow bites, it chills the thorn
Where once a single rose was born
And pricked the soul, as blood adorned
A heart forever lost.

The tears speak true, a fated song
When once the love of one was wrong
And knees were weak, and passion strong
Kept candles lit at night.

Crimson gold, a petal's woe
As tearful eyes did watch it grow
And hate was formed, a stinging blow
To this world unseen.

Once a rose forever grew
Within the rain of summer dew
And left alone, a wilted view
Of life and love...
Apart from you.

+ + + + +
Hah, not my best...but you know...I wrote it in one of my more bitter moods. BAH. *mutter mutter*
So yeah...*waves* ^__^

++ Leah ++


Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

© Copyright 2001 chasing rain - All Rights Reserved
holatuwol
Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72
California, USA
1 posted 2001-10-28 02:31 AM


Oooh... pretty images... *_*  I'm in one of those moods where I can't post any real substantial constructive criticism (which I usually do when I reply...), so instead, be ready for gushing over this poem. ^_^  hehehe  Or rather, not really gushing, but refined gushing coz I'm too old for normal standard teenage gushing.  ^^;

Anyways!  The only thing about this poem that made it weird was the strange rhyming scheme which sort of made the poem surge with images, and then have the images suddenly wilt away.  In a way, it's as though the rhyme scheme controlled the entire flow of the poem, which gave this poem a manipulative feeling... which totally rocked!  *loves that kind of poem*

The images in this poem were really lovely.  And, though it's against general policy, since I'm in a gushy mood... favorite line listing!  This is not in order of preference, but rather in order of how they occur in the poem. ^_^  I'd sort them in order of preference, but you know... with age comes laziness. ^_^v


1. Sorrow bites, it chills the thorn
2. A heart forever lost.
3. The tears speak true, a fated song
4. Kept candles lit at night.
5. Within the rain of summer dew
6. Of life and love... / Apart from you

Hmm... that's pretty much most of the poem. ^_^;  Anyhows!  I thought those lines were really exceptional in setting the pace and the flow of the poem, and really seemed to be the underlying echo for it... with the other lines lending support to those.  Of course, those are really sentimental romantic, magical images... which ish unlike you, but you still paint them in a really awesome light. ^_^

*still has much to learn about writing poetry and reading it* ^_^  I'll borrow a few tactics from you one of these days, and prolly paint a masterpiece to surpass every poem that I've previously written. ^_^v  Thank you much for the read!  Truly enjoyed this one. ^_^  And... I'll prolly enter "evil hideous poem" mode later, but for now, still in a perky mood and LOVED the poem.  Laters, lady friend.  Take cares!


- holatuwol

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258
meet Morgana
2 posted 2001-10-28 09:20 AM


I loved the whole thing from the beginning to the end but this stanza particularly stood out for me...

Sorrow bites, it chills the thorn
Where once a single rose was born
And pricked the soul, as blood adorned
A heart forever lost.

Thank you for sharing this with us all.


Fearlessness isn't living without fear, fearlessness is being afraid and still living.

jaimespoetry.blogspot.com


[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (edited 10-28-2001).]

fearing-laughter
Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)
3 posted 2001-10-29 01:03 AM


leah,
hey wow, this poem was pretty cool.  i don't know about you, but i usually write at my best when i'm bitter.  great job.
-bergundy-

xShUgArHiGhx
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
4 posted 2001-10-29 10:23 AM


This flowed so nicely...great job and nicely worded...i enjoyed it!

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

Suga_Baby
Member
since 2000-08-06
Posts 380
Maine, USA
5 posted 2001-10-29 02:31 PM


This is amazingly wonderful!! I love it, great write!  

,
Suga

"A dream is a wish your heart makes while you are fast asleep."

Pixie-Babe03
Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387
Central Maine
6 posted 2001-10-29 06:19 PM


this is amazing, i love it sooo much   definately one for my collection *adds it to her library*
*Pixie*

-=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=-

NathanS
Member
since 2001-09-27
Posts 106
CA
7 posted 2001-10-29 08:46 PM


Wooooowwwwwwwwaaaawwwwwa!

This was absolutely Magnificent!
I really liked this a LOT!!!!
Magnificent aren't even the correct words for it!
eesh that was good!

Hmm.. Moods of bitterness or pleasence are the best times to write, because that is when your emotions are at their peak, and thus fruicion into creativity.

            -Dreys
p.s. - library for sure

lil_pwheeler
Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 39
here
8 posted 2001-10-29 08:54 PM


Good, not you best but still good.I liked the flow in this one
*PAT*

No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
9 posted 2001-11-01 12:27 PM


wow, i really really liked this one leah. *prays MC doesnt enter his evil hideous mood later* :p
but neways, this is in mah library cuz i enjoyed it muchly. *claps* way to goooo
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
10 posted 2001-11-01 12:28 PM


umm *Scuff*
its in mah library this time i promise  

Skyfire
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Member Elite
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381
Riding
11 posted 2001-11-02 12:59 PM


I just love your work! Just awesome! I'm keeping this one!

~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!?

~Love me because I am Rhonda

Salooma
Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781

12 posted 2001-11-02 01:03 AM


hey...very nice post. great structure and imagery   i loved this:

Once a rose forever grew
Within the rain of summer dew
And left alone, a wilted view
Of life and love...
Apart from you.

I can relate to this...thanks for sharing  

Salma



AngelPoet87
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280
Indy
13 posted 2001-11-03 11:10 PM


love it

Liefhe alle ten spijte van duivel.

Le Capitan de L'Amour
Member
since 2000-07-15
Posts 60

14 posted 2001-11-04 08:27 PM


Well I think that your poetry is good and maybe we should chat, maybe if you read my new poem you will understand why!.Creative you really are!.
TopGunLauren
Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718
California
15 posted 2001-11-04 08:58 PM


I loved this poem it reminds me of the poems I have wrote.Keep up the great work!
   Lauren

Zukene_Chic
Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 152
Cali
16 posted 2001-11-04 10:29 PM


WOW!!!! That was SO cool!
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
17 posted 2001-11-06 09:38 PM


I didn't want to revive any old poems from too deep within the forum, because there are so many new ones on page one that deserve equal attention... but I just had to give a reply to this poem.
It's a shame that it's hard to find your name in here.  Maybe you've just been away for a few days but I hope you come back soon.  This poem was really well written and it just sounded so professional.
This is the first poem into my library!!

Theo

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
18 posted 2001-11-06 09:39 PM


And this is the reply where I hit the button lol
anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

19 posted 2001-11-06 10:39 PM


LEAH!!!...your poetry always takes me to beautiful imagery whether it be skies or the albynature? j/k...anyway! think you did an amazing job and hard hitting powerful last verses...enjoyed as always. -ME

=)

DawnG
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494
United States
20 posted 2001-11-07 01:05 AM


chasing rain,

I just started reading in Teen last night so I could get to know everyone before I start moderating here in a few weeks. I'm glad I did cause I would have missed this beauty of a poem. I love all your work Teens. Keep it up.  

                              Dawn

vixengrl04
Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495
East Haddam, CT
21 posted 2001-11-07 07:44 AM


Wow, this was soooo great!!!  I'm definitely putting this one into my library.  You've created beautiful imagery, and your words all fit together so nicely.  I also really enjoyed the form that you used.  It reminded me of Edgar Allan Poe's "Raven".  I really really like this!  

~*Nikki*~

~*I'd rather you hate me for what I am than love me for what I'm not.*~

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
22 posted 2001-11-07 09:36 AM


You already know how I feel about your poems  

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?


fozzyozzy
Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia
23 posted 2001-11-07 10:31 PM


Wow, you're always the one-stop source for some great reading.  You've got a nice post running here.

Anywho.  I loved this for reasons i can't really describe.  It just sorta struck me as something that has a deeper meaning, and I'm all for abstract thought(sometimes*bleh*).  Oh well, i'll keep it in my library just in case

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

baby0508
Member
since 2001-05-16
Posts 58
Moodus, Connecticut
24 posted 2001-11-08 07:54 AM


I really enjoyed this piece. It really expressed your emotions really well. keep up the good work.


Jeremiah Johnson
Senior Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 1223
Brooksville, Fl, U.S
25 posted 2001-11-08 12:59 PM


A very great poem indeed figured i should reply and bump it up top so more people can read it. loved this piece so i'll be reading more of your work

I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson-


anonymousfemale
Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
26 posted 2001-12-08 09:01 AM


Although it is a 'bitter' one, I still find this piece beautiful. The symbolism is awesome and the way you have worded it is amazing. You should never stop writing, Leah. You have something. Go and write a book or something.  

~AF~

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.



branden726
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607
Bay City, MI
27 posted 2001-12-09 12:53 PM


I looked down the list and found your poem here with like 26 replies at the time and i was thinking he usually writes pretty dang good so why not look at it and well this was Awsome i loved the poem keep it up.

All you other poets beware my true feelings and poetry are about to flare!
~*~Branden~*~

Fading Away
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Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
28 posted 2001-12-09 08:02 PM


This poem is wonderful, Leah.  The bitterness in it is what makes this fantastic.  This is different from what I'm used to seeing from you.  Or maybe I've just been gone too long.   (:

I love the rhyme scheme.  The A-A-A-B pattern worked perfectly for the content.  The poem fit nicely together.  The first stanza was the perfect beginning.  The reader feels the pain almost immediately, and the imagery with the rose made emotion much more deep.  A powerful symbol.

I think that's what I like the most about this.. the whole poem is very powerful symbolically.

The last lines "Of life and love.../Apart from you" hit me hard.  I really felt the emotion running through this piece.  I beg to differ with your statement that this isn't a good one from you.  I think this is one of your best.

Very nice work, Leah.  You're so very talented.  Never underestimate your creativity!

*hugs*

--Marie

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the most frustrated people in the world are those who know they're stupid, but keep trying anyway.

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 12-09-2001).]

mistic
Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.
29 posted 2001-12-10 12:05 PM


awesome  
prov1717
Member
since 2001-12-26
Posts 74
NE
30 posted 2001-12-26 09:00 PM


i loved it.  i don't know what to say other than that. keep it up. i just joined passions so i'm not real familiar with everyone yet but i really am looking forward to reading your poems.
peace
leslie

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