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Chel
Senior Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 511
Baltimore, MD, USA

0 posted 2001-10-22 08:32 PM

I was walking alone in the dark
I heard a rustle in the bushes
I looked over but saw nothing
I kept walking, with an extra step
Hoping to get to me destination much faster
I heard the rustle again
I didn't look back
Afraid of what might happen

My friend didn't want to walk me back that night
It seemed to be getting darker by the second
I kept walking
I heard something behind me
As I felt it jump as if it were going to grab me

I screamed
I jumped up to find myself
In my bed safe

This was obviously a dream, tell me what you think about this piece.

"True friends stab you in the front."
"You are special and unique in your own way." "Your FAITH is all you need"

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2001-10-22 08:52 PM

hey michelle

i thought you had the content bit down to par- with it being a dream and you waking up in the end, but i felt that there should have been more. do you know what i mean? dream poems come to some drematic climax and end pretty quickly. they often leave the reader feeling like an incompleate gingerbread man- with only one leg or arm.
youre on the right track, but i think you should put more emotion into the first part- more fear and anxiety. this will help the read in realting to your emotions. lengthen the poem a bit too- by lengthening the poem youre able to really capture the reader and draw them into the poem- which is what i beleive you should do to make this a kick ass piece.
enjoyed the read chel, thanks for sharing this piece

                            f t e
       wave           a     ...r    the emotions crash in the reef of life
                 w    e

NathanS
Member

since 2001-09-27

Posts 106
CA

2 posted 2001-10-22 09:39 PM

Wow, this was a good poem

I really liked the ending, its a short story poem thing but very cool, nice style *grinz w/applause* very well done.

-Dreys

Charisma

Member Ascendant

since 2000-09-30

Posts 5906
lost in blue pages

3 posted 2001-10-23 10:26 AM

Excellent expressed.....glad it was only a bad dream.

Charisma

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2001-10-23 01:31 PM

Dream like that scare me so much but its nice to wake up and realize its a dream..what a relief!!

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

5 posted 2001-10-23 05:07 PM

Holy suspense, batman! I really like the way you did this one! As I got closer to the end I kept speeding up! Had to read it again cause I sped up so much! What's that called? Something about the climax? Woah... dude!

If you define cowardice as running away, tripping and screaming at the first sign of danger, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Honey
Member

since 2001-10-09

Posts 92
Hot girl From Canada

6 posted 2001-10-23 05:57 PM

I found this peice to be quite interesting. At first I thought something bad was going to happen but it was all just a dream

thank god for that.

It Feels As If I've Always Been Someone On The Outside Looking In.

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