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My love for you
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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My love for you |
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Ender Member
since 1999-12-08
Posts 200Yuma, AZ USA 
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What can I say? Yu have made my day My week is the best My love will never rest How can this be? All I do is look and see Beauty and elegance, all around Making the most beautiful sound I am so happy with you You have been a dream come true. I want to be with you forever I hope to always be together If I could be anything in the world, I would want to be your tear. I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheek, and die on your lips. -Ender |
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| © Copyright 2001 Richard Melick - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
call me synical but i've developed a loathing for sentimental love poetry. I'll give this particular one a 3 out of 10 for effort had to knock off points for sentiment first off, then a few off for really bad end rhyme, a few more for my bad mood *LOL*, and one final deduction for synasism (sp) but for the millions of readers i shall state the norm response at the end for political reasons of the forum...good job, cudos! What is it you have to answer? |
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
Spelling correction to the poem: 'Yu' should be 'You' unless you have some Japanese friend or something (like Watase Yu, who created Fushigi Yuugi and Ayashi no Ceres). And, just for the sake of convenience, 'cynical' 'cynicism' and 'kudos' are the corrections to the reply from hoppy. ^^ I think that straightens out the spelling errors that everything had... x_X; And yes, I really hate spelling mistakes that aren't intentional and are blatantly obvious (not like wonder and wander which are harder to spot, but like te and the which really should be obvious)... is it so *hard* to do a quick proofread before and after you post? Details are okay to overlook and I don't mind even blatant errors at the end of a poem or in the middle... but, blatantly obvious mistakes AT THE BEGINNING should be corrected either before posting or through editing... Anyway... uh... I don't know what to say in response to this poem because there is no real information in what I should be saying in the 'constructive' critiques except that you encourage it and that REALLY helps... x_X; Anyways, I think I'd have to agree with 'hoppy' and suggest that you go all out free-style and don't rhyme because the rhymes used in this particular poem just... aren't that great and you could probably do better if you did simple freeverse. It sounds kind of harsh, but... don't use couplets with basic, typical rhyme or you're going to slaughter any potential your poem might have had (deductions, as hoppy puts it). The flow in this poem is extremely choppy because of the rhyme scheme... x_X; It sounds like a lame attempt at rap, if you want to look at it that way. Really, abandon the convention of rhyme because it doesn't seem as though this poem really benefits from it. Focus on freeing up your ideas rather than trying to rhyme. Your poems will read better that way, and I think the next pieces produced in that fashion will flow so much better than this one did. Overall, it's way too weak for me to really say anything positive about it except for the brief line about elegance (but that's because I like that word because it's sophisticated... which means it didn't fit into this poem at all). Beyond that, I really think you should consider a rewrite which involves abandoning rhyme. Hope this critique helped you in some way. ^_^ Thanks for reading. Until next time... - holatuwol |
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xShUgArHiGhx 
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Im so happy that your happy hun!!! Isnt it just a wonderful feeling to be in love  ) <33333333 I LOVE IT! <333333333ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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Ender Member
since 1999-12-08
Posts 200Yuma, AZ USA |
again, i must say that i was in a weird mood when i wrote this poem.....words just came out and i didnt catch anything wrong with the poem.......personally, i dont think that poetry should be categoized like that.....elegant or not...poetry is for getting a feeling across through writing......it is not to have elegance or any of that mumbo-jumbo....i think it is great that some people do categorize their poems like that, but i personally would see poetry from a more open mind....everyone is allowed their own personal opinion, so thank you If I could be anything in the world, I would want to be your tear. I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheek, and die on your lips. -Ender |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
LOL@Holatuwol. Thanks for the laugh in your first paragraph.  As for the poem, well if you found someone, good for you. Hope you're happy for a long time.  ~AF~ "I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you" |
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