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Teen Poetry #5
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A change in my life
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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A change in my life |
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Crash&Burn Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 119 |
ok guys I have been going through some changes in my opinions of women and love, and all that mumbo jumbo. Well anywyas I know I can't really explain it all but this poem sorta spawned from it all if you want me to explain I'd be more than glad to, anyways here it is... Lost at Sea: Faded emotions of I life I used to live. I found nothing in my past journey, so I changed my course. Like I dead ship, floating on the water and letting the wind take me wherever it may go. Now I float motionless in a vast sea, Lost in emotions, with nowhere to go and no one to guide me. I look for the stars every single night wishing for HER to show me the way.  I see the darkness coming all is bleak... |
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| © Copyright 2001 Crash&Burn - All Rights Reserved | |||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i liked the symbolism  and the part where you added "HER" quite powerful...also good to see you back in the forums!=) |
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never_a_princess Member
since 2001-06-09
Posts 82Show Me the Money |
Good poem! I also like the part where you mention "HER" toward the end. Expression in this post is great! __o0o_Anna_o0o__ *waves* Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. |
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Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work on this poem, I really love the imagery that you have used, thank you for sharing this with us "Ph33r Me I eat N00bies Ph0R bReakFAsT" |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Ugh...too often things change!! i enjoyed the poem a lot and i think that you expressed urself nicely  ) nice job! |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
ooooooooooh..i can so relate with the SHIP part..i often feel like im lost at sea and am a huge dark ship floating aimlessly around the world... to be truthful, i have to say that this needs a bit of fixing up jorge- ive seen how good you can be, and this feels half hearted. there was good emphisis with the 'HER', but i felt that you needed to put a bit more emotion into it. try to lengthen it a tad bit, and cut out pieces like "every single night". i think that with a bit of revision this would be a mother of a poem! all up though, i think that this is a great collection of thoughts from you. i hope you found my pointers useful.. ..if you didnt then your thumbs will turn into ice cream cones!  see the glass crack like a flower opening |
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Crash&Burn Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 119 |
thenx for the tips I will take them into consideration and maybe I will repost it and it will be a mother of a poem!*wakes up from dream* and it felt so real... lol yes anyways I will try to patch it up for everyone else who read thanx for reading :-þ I see the darkness coming all is bleak... |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I feel like this would be a great start What I mean is, I believe the poem need more to it It reads a little like it was cut in half But you are doing well already another thing, I believe you mean to say "a" and not "I" in some instances thanks for sharing là où est mon amour? |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Jorge....de que hablas? I mean, it's odd that you write about things like this with such passion, but in life actuas como un puto. So what's the deal dude? You're completely contradicting actions and thoughts. Enlighten me here... other than that, the poem was pretty good. A bit rocky in certain areas, but nonetheless a nice one.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Great write! I really hope things work out for you, just keep on truckin' and you'll find her eventually... ~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!? |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Sup Jorge? I'm bored...Come, Bond with me on ICQ...LOL ANYWAY The poem was peachy. The meaning behind it was a great one...Though I thinkn you tried too hard to express it, or forced it.....Something... It could have been written better. And smack Javier for saying that- Mkay?  Thanks for the read man, I haven't been around in Teen 5 much....Sorry if I've missed some of your writings...I'll try SOMETIME to catch up...Keep me coming! -Jesa Every now and then I like to stick my foot in my mouth... |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Argh i also liked the ship bit, Great write sorry to hear about it though ALLIE |
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