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Android 17
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Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-08-31 12:31 PM


This is what I call WIP (Work In Progess)...It wasn't created to be a poem. I wrote it to express how I feel about winter...while at the same time expressing how I feel as well. I'll post the complete version soon enough!

So, please forgive any apparent errors, or anything like that!


Winter of Life-

The soothing snow falls,
As life deminishes...
The extended, unforgiving night sky tears at your cheeks...
With it's teeth of frost.
Trudging through the snow,
Breathing in nothing but jagged pins and needles.
Looking to the night sky...so dark,
No even time couldn't escape...
Seeing your own breath escape your mouth...
But, is it really your breath?
Perhaps, it is your soul...trying to flee your freezing cold body...
Who knows...
As you trudge closer to your destination...
You realize that in ten minutes...
You've only covered a few meters of ground...
You realize the hard truth,
That you can no longer rely on God,
For YOU need the stregnth to make it safley home...



-------------

And keep in mind...tis wasn't meantto be a poem. ("chasing rain" suggested I put this up...) Not to boast, this definetly isn't my best work!

~ Alex

[This message has been edited by Android 17 (edited 08-31-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Alex-lee Hryhorczuk - All Rights Reserved
cherish
Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
1 posted 2001-08-31 01:33 AM


first off id like to give you a hearty

WELCOME TO PASSIONS ALEX!!


you are another great addition to this "family" we have here!

for this first post i thought that you had done pretty darn well for yourself so far!your imagery is wonderful "it's teeth of frost" and "your soul...trying to flee your freezing cold body"...its developing well. i cant wait to read the finished version of the poem...and am looking forward to reading more of your work!

Btw, pop into Teen Chat so we can get to know you a bit better..Click me  

............Daffodils
........Daffodils .....
....Daffodils..........
Daffodils .............

chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
2 posted 2001-08-31 11:07 AM


Alex!!! Finally...yeesh, took you long enough.  
Like I said, this should be a poem, ne? Of course I'm right. Now, for a more indepth review...

"The soothing snow falls,
As life deminishes...
The extended, unforgiving night sky tears at your cheeks...
With it's teeth of frost. "
You created such a serene mood that allows the reader to automatically fall into a trance. The foil in which you created between "soothing snow falls" and "unforgiving night sky tears at your cheeks...with its teeth of frost" was really something.

"Trudging through the snow,
Breathing in nothing but jagged pins and needles."
I could almost feel that...ow.  

"Looking to the night sky...so dark,
No even time couldn't escape..."
I liked the pause between "sky" and "so dark". Haunting almost. Second line...is it supposed to be "Not even time could escape"? I didn't get it.

"Seeing your own breath escape your mouth...
But, is it really your breath?
Perhaps, it is your soul...trying to flee your freezing cold body...
Who knows... "
First line, great imagery. The thought of "your soul...trying to flee your freezing cold body" was quite original.

"As you trudge closer to your destination...
You realize that in ten minutes...
You've only covered a few meters of ground..."
That reminds me of here...during a blizzard.  

"You realize the hard truth,
That you can no longer rely on God,
For YOU need the strength to make it safely home..."
Again, very original thought here. Although I don't quite agree with it...isn't the strength of two more sufficient than the strength of one, or do you believe that relying on God is taking away that strength? Just curious.  

Overall, a very original piece. You thought this out very well. Hopefully, you'll be posting more (on your own without me pinching you every time to post  ) and feel free to reply to other poems!

Oh, yeah, one more thing...

Welcome to PIP!  

°L.§.W.°

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

Heavens Tears
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since 2001-03-15
Posts 677

3 posted 2001-08-31 11:59 AM


Welcome to Passions.  This was a wonderful first post, I cant wait to see the finished product.  By the way, check your email for a special greeting!

Writing isnt a hobby, its my own self-therapy.

Dopey Dope
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Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2001-08-31 05:28 PM


Welcome to Passions! I really enjoyed this and liked the ending, although I somewhat disagree with it. I still thought you did an awesome job here in writing this. Well done.  

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

SunShine913
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211
Italy but from NC
5 posted 2001-08-31 07:19 PM


   WELCOME TO THE CRAZY WORLD OF PASSION!!  

i REALLY LIKED THIS POST, keep writing and i will keep reading ..

                    !~Andrea~!
*You only live once, so live it to the
fullest*
*what is love?*

Delirious_Smurf
Member
since 2001-08-08
Posts 90
Nothingness,P.R.
6 posted 2001-08-31 10:31 PM


I absolutely loved it...  !
I didn't think the realization in the end was a good thing, the caracther lost faith for that moment, but it fit qutie nicely with the poem so it's all good.

Who you are and who you will be is right in the palm of your hand.

Spice
Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.
7 posted 2001-09-02 01:06 AM


   WELCOME TO PIP!  

*Sigh* I know, I know...I'm INCREDIBLY late. This is my "catching up" day. And boy am I ever glad I did. Wow! I LOVED this. The personifictaion of the night sky by giving it teeth and so on...Awesome. I also loved the line about your breath being your soul. This is an excellent first post! Hope to see more posts and replies from you very soon!

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Android 17
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Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
8 posted 2001-09-04 01:21 PM


Thank y'all for your kindness! I rellay appreaciate it! I'm waiting for the right inspiration to complete "Winter of Life" When I have more time I'll post my other work!

Cherish- Thanks for the welcome! I feel warm and fuzzy!

chasing rain-Wow! Leah...thanks! Well, I don't really agree with the God remark. BUT I wanted to find the appropriate way to explain winter's harshness. If you can't rely on God...then it must be pretty brutal!

Heavens Tears- Thanks! You have yet to reply to my e-mail to you!

Dopey Dope- Thanks!

Read_what_i_write- I feel so encouraged to write here more! ^_^

Delerious Smurf- I'll be sure to check out your work!

Spice- Wow, thanks! This isn't my best work...not at all! This is WIP y'know!!! I'll be sure to post my best soon! (When I'm not in school...and I have the time!)

Thanks for everything! I'm more inspired than ever...even if today was a bad first day of school! Well, bye!

~ Alex

You're a speck in the universe, not even worth noticing...Yet, somehow you matter so much to others!

Android 17
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Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
9 posted 2001-09-04 04:29 PM


Kippleling, an English Poet once wrote that:

"Once you go north of 60, you have to be strong enough NOt to rely on God..."

That's kinda my inspiration for the God remark! I hope I didn't offend anybody!

You're a speck in the universe, not even worth noticing...Yet, somehow you matter so much to others!

Android 17
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664
Winnipeg
10 posted 2001-09-07 01:19 PM


...My first post has gotten soooo unpopular...

There's no point in living, if you can't feel alive!

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