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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-08-25 11:45 PM

Simple Love

There was an abyss awake
One Sunday Morning i happened across
I could see no bottom
Nor a top to it
There lacked walls as far away
As The Garden

I knew one path to take
One Sunday Morning to become across
I could see an edge
Filled with flowers, as green
As The Garden

I looked for one bridge to make
One Sunday Morning to build across
I could see possibilities
But none would have me; together they stood
As The Garden

I pondered plans I should partake
One Sunday Morning to strive across
I could see the sun fading
Darkness enveloped the light known only
As The Garden

I decided upon one chance to take
One Sunday Night to leap across
I could see so clearly
Strength quelling so deep in my soul

I fell hard
No other choice to make
Except to climb back up
On the same side
As The Garden

Down and up
no simpler path
for a simple love
----------------------------
Eek! that is one cheesy ending! Just thought I'd squeeze the title in there.

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

1 posted 2001-08-26 01:03 AM

This was just awesome. i loved it. keep up the great work

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-08-26 11:19 AM

On the contrary, I thought the ending was quite alright. The scheme here is really something to be commended on. I love how you used repitition and always made it so in-context with the rest of the stanza, using "as the garden" in different ways. Brilliant idea, and an attempt very much successful.
How I've missed the unique flavour of your poetry, Ozz.
~Allan

You eat the brains of an old, wise man.

SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

3 posted 2001-08-26 04:54 PM

WOW WOW WOW WOW that is all i can think of say

*You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun!

*gurls are sweet, Gurls are nice, but im the gurl with whip cream and ice

*Should

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2001-08-26 06:03 PM

Sean! It's nice to see your name on pip yet once more. Hopefully not the last.

"There was an abyss awake
One Sunday Morning i happened across
I could see no bottom
Nor a top to it
There lacked walls as far away
As The Garden"

I liked the personification you gave to 'abyss'. The scene you set here is wonderful, especially the second last and last line. The use of abyss made me think of something hopeless...yet the use of "One Sunday Morning" made me think otherwise...Sundays always seem more hopeful.

"I could see an edge
Filled with flowers, as green
As The Garden"

Great use of imagery here...I could picture this fully in my mind.

"I pondered plans I should partake
One Sunday Morning..."

Partake...that made me think of communion at church...on sunday mornings...interesting...

"Darkness enveloped the light known only
As The Garden"

Darkness enveloped...very dark clause. A nice use of words as well.

"I fell hard
No other choice to make
Except to climb back up
On the same side"

Sometimes we have no other choice to make...hey...why is it a choice anyways?

"Down and up
no simpler path
for a simple love"

A nice ending, I thought. Not cheesy, although you may think so. BUT YOU'RE WRONG!!! You're always wrong...lol.

A read much enjoyed. Your style continues to grow, as does your talent. Until your next post!

°L.§.W.°

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-09-04 12:25 PM

I really didn't think this was up to the standard of poems I have been so used to reading from you. Didn't really leave an impact on my soul like many of your others.
I thought it was an ok poem. Hope to see more soon!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

6 posted 2001-09-04 02:47 AM

awesome awsome awesome write sean!

............Daffodils
........Daffodils .....
....Daffodils..........
Daffodils .............

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-09-13 06:49 PM

I believe this poem has a lot of possibilities. I'm very impressed by your choice of words, and at the same time do believe that there are still ways of making it better. A little punctuation won't hurt either

Thanks for sharing
Wonderful read

hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Allysa, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Ma

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

8 posted 2001-09-14 03:00 AM

This for some very weird reason reminded of The secret Garden when that guy was climbing the fence.....stupid brain.

Anyway, this piece was pretty cool. Not a cheesy ending at all and the italics went well with it. It made the entire piece feel all floaty etc. Nice imagery in it and the repetition added a nice effect.

Well done. Hope to see more.

~AF~

"Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?"

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