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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2001-08-23 02:57 PM

As she
sprinkles
her fingertips
and tickles me,
pricking
my ribs,
ink
begins
dripping...
and crippled,
I shrivel
into a wrinkled,
crumpled
sheet...

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-08-23 03:01 PM

Nice work Master, it's tough to see exactly what is done right in here... I'd say you did a good job making it flow, it's very short and brief.  You did a good job of deciding how to break it into short lines (often just one word).
Good consonance, I liked the repeated use of an unstressed L sound (wrinkle, tickle, sprinkle, etc).
I like this, very short but as short ones tend to be, not all that outstandingly standing-ovationish.  You did well for what you were trying to do.
I can't critique much about this.

~Allan

You eat the brains of an old, wise man.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

2 posted 2001-08-23 09:38 PM

WOAH......i have NO idea what you're going on about here M. but it sure as hell makes for one helluva good sounding poem! thanks for sharing

Piece you life together and you WILL find holes.

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2001-08-23 10:26 PM

Impressive poem. I think I might write some more of those invocations of my own. I've already got Tears of Gaia going, lol. Good poem! CU round!

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-09-01 03:12 AM

Oh wowness on this one. I really just loved everything about this poem. Simply amazing.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-09-02 11:14 AM

Wow! Awesome format, incredible write!

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

6 posted 2001-09-02 01:45 PM

this was an awesome poem. Very well written, although im not sure of your meaning. I still enjoyed it.

Regina

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

7 posted 2001-09-06 12:31 PM

VERY deep might i say...i found this read intriguing...a GREAT read it was!

if i die before i wake...i pray the Lord my soul to take - when thugs cry-

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

8 posted 2001-09-07 03:24 AM

oh this came across as your muse being your gf or someone that you really like and when they touch you, you crumble like a piece of paper. This is probably right off but it's what I saw it as.

Nice write, Master...as per usual.

~AF~

"Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?"

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