Standing in the Door to Work

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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-08-22 12:08 PM

Standing in the Door to Work

I'm loving the breeze
    through the open door,
In like a gust
    to sooth this open sore.

It pushes open the crack
    to escape to the inside,
Leaving me with
    nothing valued to decide.

Stealing it away,
    I keep this little secret,
This breath of fresh air
    where people cannot see it.

I do not get paid
    for this Summer breeze,
But just the same cost,
    as the Winter trees.

How can I be working
    For something so free,
When Summer breeze
    is a diamond ring to me?

"and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

1 posted 2001-08-22 03:32 AM

I loved the lay out of this poem... Well thought out... (clearly)

Also liked the piece very good!! and the last lines got me!!

Nice nice nice

ALLIE

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

2 posted 2001-08-22 04:12 AM

Grear poem I really loved it and I can't wait to read more of your poems.
Lauren

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

3 posted 2001-08-22 03:32 PM

Yeah, the layout was cool. I liked this one. I will look forward to seeing more also!
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2001-08-22 06:09 PM

Hey Sean! Again...

*takes a deep breath*

"I'm loving the breeze
    through the open door,
In like a gust
    to sooth this open sore."

The first 3 lines were so refreshing...really nice to read. The fourth line, I didn't like too much. For me, it was a bit awkward...but maybe it's because the third line is missing a syllable?

"It pushes open the crack
    to escape to the inside,
Leaving me with
    nothing valued to decide."

Third line was awkward...missing a syllable, I think. I liked the imagery that you portrayed in the first 2 lines, though.

    "I keep this little secret,
This breath of fresh air
    where people cannot see it."

Keeping stuff away from us again, eh Sean? lol. Another somewhat good trait of humans...to a certain extent. You tend to right a lot about the characteristics of mankind...I admire you for that.

"I do not get paid
    for this Summer breeze,
But just the same cost,
    as the Winter trees."

I really liked this stanza. It made me think for a moment about what you meant. Very profound.

"How can I be working
    For something so free,
When Summer breeze
    is a diamond ring to me?"

Yet another thoughtful stanza...somethings are just too precious to have...

I enjoyed this poem a lot...you are a very deep thinker and you write such wonderful poetry! Just be careful about flow at the beginning. Thanks for another great read!

*breathes*

£êåh

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-08-24 12:03 PM

AWESOME work, Sean.  Very easy to read.. nice flow and rhyme scheme.
"Stealing it away,
    I keep this little secret,
This breath of fresh air
    where people cannot see it."
I loved that stanza.  Very mysterious.. nicely done!  I really enjoyed this one.

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

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