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SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

0 posted 2001-08-20 12:01 PM

I heard a sound today, my friend,Such a sound I heardLike angels singing in my heartLike children playing in the park Like babbling streams through misty dark'Twas such a sound I heardI heard a sound today, my friend,Such a sound I heardLike cry I heard from my first bornLike bluebirds call in early mornLike velvet silence before a storm'Twas such a sound I heardI heard a sound today, my friend,Such a sound I heardThat sound I heard... it was my ChoiceNow I'm in love with your sweet voice...Forgive me!

____________________________________
Just so you guys no the poems that i have posted like "gone" and the one that is Untitled are old poems when i was having trouble with my life. but i did get help and now im happy and healthy.. from here on i will do my best to have the best of what i write on here ... thank you

Andrea

*You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun!

*gurls are sweet, Gurls are nice, but im the gurl with whip cream and ice

I hope y

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

1 posted 2001-08-20 03:08 PM

You should try to separate the lines b/c it seems almost like prose. Still a good poem, good job!

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

2 posted 2001-08-20 09:44 PM

i liked this one a lot.the images you painted A were very vivdly playing im ny head but i agree with HT you should seperate this a little cuz it read a bit too much like prose...if it were longer it would be ok but as it is i think it may need a little revising..good job on it thought..

"Kiss my Starfish!
My chocolate Starfish punk!"
-'Hot dog'
Limp Bizket

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-08-21 01:50 PM

Just as cherish said, I think that this would flow much easier if you separated the different lines. Put line breaks in there... it'll read much more easily

I'm glad you got help. Admitting that one needs help is an easy thing to deny. I enjoyed this, and I hope to see more.

--Marie

If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

4 posted 2001-08-22 07:10 PM

Yep, most definetly. I highly suggest making individual lines for this one. I hate to read poetry in paragraph form. BUT! I did like the poem. The ending was my favorite. Very well done!

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-08-25 12:32 PM

I think you did wonderful on this cept for the common suggestion that everybody mentioned. Well done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

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