»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Epitaph to our fading love
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Epitaph to our fading love |
|
Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
|
Epitaph to our fading love. Depressing sea of emptiness, A fading love she can’t confess, Desires so strong I can’t impress, Shrinking stars and tragic gloom, Empty sky so pale and blue, Void and empty, how our love grew, Thought that it was pure and true, In the darkness of my room, Love betrayed deep in her eyes, And I grew tired of her sighs, Underneath the darker skies, As summer lost it’s fresh bloom, Words like daggers cause me pain, Drowning me, my ball and chain, As love fades your powers wane, Bringing glory to the gloom. Zu  " In childhood we live under the brightness of immortality - heaven is as near and as actual as the seaside"- Graham Greene " Ministry of Fear [This message has been edited by Marshalzu (edited 08-18-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
this is so sad  !!..you're not allowed to write sad poetry!!nonetheless it is a very good write from you zu...i liked the format it flowed very nicely indeed! writers block or no writers block you are one of my favourites here...so dont SULK! a good poem i enjoyed the read!! period pain is HELL! |
||
|
Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Depressing sea of emptiness, A fading love she can’t confess, Desires so strong I can’t impress, Shrinking stars and tragic gloom, ------------------------------------------ The first stanza is amazing. I love the tone and mood it sets. ------------------------------------------ Empty sky so pale and blue, Void and empty, how our love grew, Thought that it was pure and true, In the darkness of my room, ------------------------------------------ This confuses me a little bit. In the first stanza you say "a fading love", this makes me think that the love was real to begin with, but is now diminishing. In this stanza you make it sound like the love was never true. ------------------------------------------- Love betrayed deep in her eyes, And I grew tired of her sighs, Underneath the darkers skies, As summer lost it’s fresh bloom, -------------------------------------------- Loved this one too. No complaints  -------------------------------------------- Words like daggers cause me pain, Drowning me my ball and chain, As love fades your powers wane, Bringing glory to the gloom. -------------------------------------------- Only complaint here is that I don't like the transition from me to my. Great end stanza. Perfect imagery and a great way to tie everything together. -------------------------------------------- Thanks for the read this is one of the best poems I have read in a long time. I hope you don't mind me taking it apart. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thanx for the response Cherish and Angel... I don't mind pulling it apart at all... thanx for critique I might revise it |
||
|
DarkAngelOfTheStars Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 255 |
I liked this one tis was sad  but it was very good....hope everything is ok You know you 've completely descended into madness when the matter of shampoo has ascended to philosophical heights |
||
|
Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
This was very emotional, and I liked it! |
||
|
angel_2401 Member
since 2001-06-12
Posts 131Cincinnati, OH |
This is sad Zu.... but it's good. I liked it! I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem. |
||
|
stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
Andrew, I like this poem although it made me cry. when I first read it I was sure you were talking about me, but I don't know how you could be since I do love you so very very much. anyway, I don't like to cry, but I do like the sentiment in this poem. thanks for sharing hun. Stacy I LOVE ZU, hey Albie, Cody, Allan, Carly, Cherish, Lizzy, Kris, *HUGS JAVI*, Tamma, Acire, and Branden. |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Deepest critique? Okies! "Depressing sea of emptiness, A fading love she can’t confess, Desires so strong I can’t impress, Shrinking stars and tragic gloom," This first stanza paves the way to a beautiful poem. The descriptions using the sea and stars was a very good idea. Makes the depression seem endless. This makes the poem almost have an eery tone to it. The next stanza... "Empty sky so pale and blue, Void and empty, how our love grew, Thought that it was pure and true, In the darkness of my room," The first line was good.. I like the way you used the sky.. also a very big object, giving you the impression of endlessness. (if that's a word) I don't understand why you explained the growing love as "void and empty". And I don't quite understand what your room had to do with the love.. Hmm.. maybe I'm wrong? "Love betrayed deep in her eyes, And I grew tired of her sighs, Underneath the darker skies, As summer lost it’s fresh bloom," This stanza, technically, wasn't as good as the others. There are rhythm problems, that effects the flow. The second line doesn't read as well as the rest... Other than that, the content is nice. I don't know why you included that you got tired of her sighs.. that didn't click with me. "Words like daggers cause me pain, Drowning me, my ball and chain, As love fades your powers wane, Bringing glory to the gloom." I liked the finish. Technically, I think you could add the word "our" in the third line, making it "As our love fades, your powers wane". That would make it read a little easier.. I liked the first two lines of this stanza. Using the ball and chain was creative, and appealed to me. All throughout the poem, I liked the way your rhymed all the last lines of each stanza. But, you used "gloom" twice.. in the first stanza and the last. I don't know if that was intended, but I think that you could change one of those "gloom"'s. You wrote a very nice poem here, Zu. Not your best, but still a good read. I enjoyed it! I hope to see more soon! Well done. --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
||
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Oh, what a beautiful write here Zu! And the first thing that came to my mind was " Oh no! Whats happened w/ him and Stace?" HaHa (Southern small town gossip traits come shinging through as always. LOL) BUT from Stace's reply I see all Is fine- Whew! HeHe. The poem was very well done though. I really really enjoyed it. I think the last stanza was probably my fav. You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Wow, I really liked this one. it was really sad and the ending completely rocked. I enjoyed the ryhme scheme a lot. The flow was ok, could have been better in some areas, I think the 2nd staza was a bit of the problem. ANyhow, a poem well done and I loved it.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
ZU, zu, zu You never sieze to amaze me You seem to write what I call poetry all the time I'm very, very impressed keep it up hope you feel better hi Sweets, Lizzy, Jesa, Ina, Allysa, Marie, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Chelsea, Baker, Leah, Jess, Kimmie |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Zu, this has made me really upset damnit. Not that I wasn't already but that's not the point.  It is so full of emotion and pain that you can't help but be drawn in by it. "Love betrayed deep in her eyes, And I grew tired of her sighs, Underneath the darker skies, As summer lost it’s fresh bloom," I love those lines. All in all, a well written piece. Be proud. ~AF~ "Reality is only a feeble rendering of the energy brought forth by the imagination" |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
To think I wrote this before and all... I must be psyhic Join the Pip Space Navy now, your website needs you!!! join @ targetmrzu@hotmail.com |
||
|
Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Awww Zu... you've made me cry now "In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion taking me over; you'll never see me fall apart, in the words of a broken heart." |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
