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allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

0 posted 2001-08-06 04:11 AM

He stands infront,
pivots his neck in circles.
To brag of how well it pivots?
Or test it still does?

His bald spot shines,
although he's shaved his head.
To cling to youth he had?
Or prevent future ageing?

And he's tubby,
Under that leather jacket.
Worn by stress,
Worn when stressed?

He baffles with a glance,
And only puzzles more with a stare.
He's not the type you get to know,
Or tend to forget.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2001-08-06 04:16 AM

This is really good Allie. The double meanings with sentences and in depth view at a person so simple really shows how talented you are.
"And he's tubby,
Under that leather jacket.
Worn by stress,
Worn when stressed?"
That part caught my eye. It was a very good manipulation of words. Good job.

Thanks for sharing.

~AF~

"Why not light the candle in the dark tunnel while we head for the light at the end?" - Anonymous Albert to anonymousfemale

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

2 posted 2001-08-06 12:24 PM

I agree w/ E.J.
I liked how there was double meaning in everything you said.
It made it quite intersting.
VERY well done and thought out.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2001-08-06 04:46 PM

I agree with the other two...hehe. Your double entendres were very thoughtful and perceptive. Nicely written, and I hope to see more of your work!

-Leah

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

4 posted 2001-08-06 05:05 PM

This was sweet! I totally liked the double meaning. Very well thought out and put together.I want to see more like it.
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-08-08 01:33 AM

I thought the contrasts in the stanzas were pretty cool here, allie. I really enjoyed this one. Nicely done! Very well written.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

6 posted 2001-08-08 03:12 AM

ummm i got confused in this poem.
robin

i don't give up without a fight so boys beware!

Crash&Burn
Member

since 2001-01-18

Posts 119

7 posted 2001-08-08 01:30 PM

Nicely done, I really like the rhyme this has and how you reversed the last two sentences on each other it's a great poetic skill or is it charasteristic, sorry I seem to have trouble translating what I want to say from spanish to english, any who, I liked it keep posting.

I see the darkness coming all is bleak...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-08-08 04:40 PM

Nicely written here. I liked this one.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Delirious_Smurf
Member

since 2001-08-08

Posts 90
Nothingness,P.R.

9 posted 2001-08-08 04:48 PM

Very cool.
I specially likes the part where you ask if he's clinging to youth and I loved the way it was written it also has a misterious vibe because of that.

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