Free - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

0 posted 2001-08-02 12:40 PM

Let me be free,
Leave me to be,
I feel as if your always controlling me,

Lay awake at nights,
Looking up at the light,
Go to bed now good night,

Go away now,
Go far away and dont return,
Free and what i am ment to be,

Free something a controlling person wont let me see,
Free something ive had taken from me,
Free to view the world as it is,

Leave now and never return,
Ive opend my eyes,
To a new found friend,

The world,
The world of love and the world of peace,
I just want to be free.

How about this was this good i hope so.

All you other poets beware my true feelings and poetry are about to flare!
~*~Branden~*~

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

1 posted 2001-08-02 03:27 AM

I did like this poem... The use of freedom was definately used well...

Very very nice read,

ALLIE

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2001-08-03 10:06 AM

Yes it was good. However, you could really make it a lot stronger. The emphasise on freedom was only very small. If you perhaps lengthened your lines and turned them into a few longer stanzas instead of tercets. This way you could give a lot more to the reader AND be able to put more expression and thoughts into your piece.
The idea is there. You just need to back it up a little more.

Good job, Branden.

~AF~

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-08-03 07:08 PM

Yea I agree with Liz upon the fact that you could go a bit more in depth as to your perception of freedom and so on. Maybe use some sort of metaphor or something.
Anyhow, well done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-08-04 10:05 PM

Nicely done, Branden. I enjoyed this one.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.