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Teen Poetry #5
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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Untitled |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
A burned out childhood dream Break ups and heartaches You don’t know just how to feel When I look in your eyes A wall filled with mirrors Memories rising light Tears streaming from your face Evidence crushing your trust in me So you have stopped fighting for our case. I can see it die in your eyes Everything we have fought for Is blowing out our flame. Melting lost forever more. Lost in time with your diary. You’re so sad and confused Ripped and tarred apart Cause you feel like you’ve been used When you open your eyes A call filled with shadows Screams that turns off the light A river of sadness Which files your soul with so much pain Hang on keep fighting the loneliness. I can see it die in your eyes Fantasies blasting out in flames Imagination carries A broken mirror that bends Lost in time with your diary. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Man I feel bad for this person. I've been in their shoes. You did a great job on this! I'm so glad to see a POEM from you- it's been so long!!! And it's wonderful! I loved these lines: "Everything we have fought for Is blowing out our flame." For some reason they just stood out to me.  And clear this up for me- Perhaps *I'M* just reading it this way- who knows. But shouldn't there be a comma between melting and lost? Take a look: "Melting, lost forever more." And the one and only thing that REALLY REALLY bugged me about this was the word "Tarred."( "Ripped and tarred apart") It should be changed to torn. Fix that. It will sound SO MUCH better. ANYWAY! Like I said- I was really glad to see a poem from you. It was worth the wait. You did a spectacular job here. I hope to see another one VERY soon! [This message has been edited by Spice (edited 08-01-2001).] |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
I agree with Jesa... I was starting to wonder if "tarred" was a word I didn't know.. LoL. But torn does sound much better. I loved this poem. Very well expressed here. |
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Shygirl82 Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245Ilinois |
This was great. Some excellent descriptions used here. Great piece! ~Nikki~ It takes only a minute to like someone, a hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget them. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
There is some very good imagery in this. Some parts of this piece really stuck out for me. The ending in particular. It is so strong and so, well unexplainable at the moment. This person sounds extremely unhappy. There is so much pain and sadness in this piece it just makes you sigh and well, feel crappy. You've done a really good job with this. Like Jesa said, it's been ages since you wrote a poem and indeed it was worth the wait. You have once again written something else to be very proud of. Thanks for sharing this. ~AF~ "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Wowness.....the last two lines worked really well. I really loved the idea of being lost in time with your diary. Anyhow, the whole poem was very well written. One of my favs by you.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is one of the best I've read from you. VERY nicely done! I really liked this one. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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