Image of innocence (I highly encourage you read this please)

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Ceinwyn
Member Elite

since 2000-07-09

Posts 2175
VA

0 posted 2002-04-03 04:27 PM

I really think the last lines are weak, feel free to comment!!
She's sitting
Infront of the television
An image of innocence
She's only six
Silently glued
To her favourite tv show
Playing with her Jem and The Holograms
Not a care in the world
Mommy always on the telephone
Daddy never is really home
Just her and Jem Dolls
Same old routine
She can't really remember a thing
Only thing she can remember
Is playing hide and seek
In the dark
In a house
They stole something from her
But she couldn't put her finger on it
She was only six
An image of innocence
Where were her Jem Dolls then
Or her mommy and daddy

15 years later
21 now
An image of what?
A shell of a little girl
Wondering what the hell
She did
To deserve such a past
Clinging onto her insecurities
Wondering who would want her now
To hold her now
To deal with what she's seen
And chose to push away
She cries in desperation
Moving, falling
Deep within circles
It really shouldn't be an issue
But deep within
Her subconscience
It lingers like a bad taste
Like a needle of cocaine
Plunged deep within her brain

So who
Who in the hell
Is willing to deal with it
When at times she can't even deal with herself

[This message has been edited by Ceinwyn (04-03-2002 04:31 PM).]

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

1 posted 2002-04-03 05:49 PM

Wow....Kris, this was incredible. I'm rather speechless as the moment.

-Adam

"If life is so significant, then why do we die?"

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

2 posted 2002-04-03 05:51 PM

"But deep within
Her subconscience
It lingers like a bad taste
Like a needle of cocaine
Plunged deep within her brain"

These were my favorite lines in your poem. I felt that they were the most expressive lines and also the most heartfelt.

Is this poem about you? I have a feeling that it's not you, but you're telling your story through someone else. Is that true?

As for the last few lines...
"So who
Who in the hell
Is willing to deal with it
When at times she can't even deal with herself"

I think that they explain the basic idea of the poem, which is great because sometimes the best ending is to just let the message settle on the minds of the readers. However, if you want to give it some kick maybe you could try and play on the words a bit. I'm drawing a blank for examples right about now, but I'll get back to you if I think of anything.

Thanks for posting.

DE

Cela passera.

turningthepage.blogspot.com

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

3 posted 2002-04-03 06:43 PM

I personally like the last few lines the best...
Great write.

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

4 posted 2002-04-04 12:15 PM

wow...this is an awesome post that i can definetly relate too. it is a great post..i am really glad you shared it and it is gonna go inside my library. i am kind of speechless, great job and i hope to read more from you.
-bergundy-

maybe i'll catch fire, something nice to warm me. something pure to burn away the darkness, that hides inside my mind. -alkaline trio-

laconic
Member

since 2002-02-17

Posts 64
Melbourne, Australia

5 posted 2002-04-04 07:08 AM

This was great... i dunno wot to say.. but it definitly didnt lack anything....thnks for sharing

Ceinwyn
Member Elite

since 2000-07-09

Posts 2175
VA

6 posted 2002-04-04 01:08 PM

Jaime, in answer to your question..yes it is about me and I'm glad you all enjoyed it, you don't know how hard it was for me to write this poem, it just came bubbling back up...

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