Eyes of Silver Grey - an experiment in freeverse

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Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

0 posted 2001-07-26 12:20 PM

I find myself drawing ever closer
To the girl I’ve never met.
The girl I know so well,
With her eyes of silver gray.

I spoke with that girl tonight
And was allowed into her world.
Her fears, her thoughts, her dreams.
These are the things she let me to see.

Such things, I never knew.
If I could wash away the pain
This pretty angel’s felt,
I would give my life to do so.

One day, I’ll meet this woman
This one that I adore.
One day, I’ll kiss her lips,
And hold her oh so close.

I find myself drawing ever closer
To the girl I’ve never met.
The girl I know so well,
With her eyes of silver gray.
--------
Dedicated to PIP's very own Jessica. Love ya, chica. *hugs*
-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

Jessica

Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 350
South AL

1 posted 2001-07-26 12:29 PM

I'm speechless Adam. *hugs* I love you, too...

holatuwol
Member

since 2001-04-27

Posts 72
California, USA

2 posted 2001-07-26 12:42 PM

Confusion of the day... why is the title of the piece, "Eyes of Silver Grey" but you always say "eyes of silver gray" in the poem? ^^;  Tis a minor detail that is sort of making me wonder if it's intentionally done that way or if it was a mistake you made in the title, or a mistake when you were writing... I'm not sure which one you really want and what effect that's supposed to give. ^_^;

Either way, 'tis a very interesting experiment that had decent results for an experiment. ^_^  Of course, like all experiments, of a hypothesis fails, then you have to restart and retry the test and whatnot... of course, never really noted anything related to experimental data, but how about I give you some random feedback... hopefully, it'll make sense, given the fact that I'm no good at freeverse myself. ^_^;

Anyways, I thought the poem itself started off really strong... it died off in the middle somewhere around the third verse, then got a little bit stronger at the last stanza before the ending sort of trailed off and left the reader with a blank impression. ^_^  This combination of effects sort of makes it feel as though the free verse is entirely forced.

Although it was enjoyable to read, and was certainly an excellent experiment in of itself... I don't know.  It was missing strength in all of the wrong areas, and seemed to have quite a bit of it initially... and the way freeverse tends to work is that it depends a lot on either total wistfulness or a lot of strength...

It's a pretty piece, and is certainly a nice poem to dedicate to the young lady with eyes of silver gray/grey... but as a poem in of itself, and because it *is* freeverse, it could certainly use a little bit of tweeking towards the end... for example, making the ending kind of give a "bang" effect rather than trail off as it does (seems more appropriate for this piece), and make it flow better with everything that came before rather than making it seem like a separate drifting thought.

Keep on writing... look forward to seeing your future experiments with free verse. ^_^  You've certainly got the initial inspiration to move forward in a free-verse manner... now you just have to make it seem more natural and free rather than forced... and that can be done by making it all wistful or all strong. ^_^  Your choice.  Once again, good job with this one... look forward to the next.  Until next time!

- holatuwol

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

3 posted 2001-07-26 12:46 PM

Thanks for all the tips and the big reply. The reason for the grey/gray dispute is cuz my word processor annoyingly auto-fixes 'grey' to 'gray'...and I've always been taught it was 'grey'. So while I typed the poem, it auto-fixed it, then I typed it out of habit my own way in the title.

-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

4 posted 2001-07-26 12:58 PM

First off Kosetsu... I must shake my finger at you.... *gets her finger all ready* okay.

No more than 3 posts are allowed in a 24 hour period.
ASIDE from that...I must say- This is a spectacular write. I REALLY enjoyed it. You and Jessica...WHo would have of thought? She's a sweetie though. And you guys live close-right? Same state at least- Meet! It's an amazing experiance. Haha- I'll chaperone. Just gimmie a place, time, and date....we'll work something out. I thought you did well on this free verse. It had a nice flow to it. I truelly enjoyed it.

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

5 posted 2001-07-26 01:09 AM

Jesa..

too bad, this one couldn't wait til tomorrow. Anyway, yeah we live close..about 2 hours away to be exact. I hope we'll be meeting sometime soon. You're more in northern AL, aren't you Jesa?

-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

6 posted 2001-07-26 01:21 AM

Yep. Gadsden..Just like 3...3 and a half hours from Montgomery though.

But seriously, get to know eahchother for awhile...And you shoudl consider meeting. Yes, Saftey first...Public place, let people know that you are going etc... But it really is a wonderful experiance. I highly suggest it.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

7 posted 2001-07-26 03:42 PM

Lotta poems dedicated to Jessica#2.
Sweet of you.
JOb job on this poem, yes it's true.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

8 posted 2001-07-26 06:03 PM

What better gift can a poet give but a poem?

-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

Jessica

Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 350
South AL

9 posted 2001-07-26 11:49 PM

So true Adam...

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

10 posted 2001-07-27 06:06 AM

well i hope that the two of you continue to me love birds for a long time..

..this is a very nice piece kosetsu!!!..thanks for sharing its trully lovely

"Killer in me is a killer in you, my love
Send a smile over to you"
Disarm
Smashing Pumkins

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

11 posted 2001-07-27 02:27 PM

That was awesome dude! Jessica wow....geez what a gift he gave. happiness to both of you.

Regina

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

12 posted 2001-08-01 03:21 PM

That is SO cute! Adam and Jessica... awwww... I love this poem Adam. It makes me jealous.

Nicely done, I really liked this one. It's beautiful..

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

13 posted 2001-08-02 03:39 AM

Wow! such a sweet tribute !!

I agree with marie... im quite jealous! lol

ALLIE

Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

14 posted 2001-08-02 11:41 AM

He he the things we do to get some...j/k! What a nice tribute to Jessica.

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
~Steven Wright

Jessica

Member

since 2001-06-28

Posts 350
South AL

15 posted 2001-08-02 02:08 PM

LMAO@LML... God, I'm still laughing... Adam isn't like that... I think... j/k

Thank you though

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