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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2001-07-25 02:10 PM

I see you as you look at me,
peeking through the blinds.
I smile at you and you turn away,
and I guess I wonder why.
If love is such a great thing,
why can't you let it be?
Because everytime you turn away,
it feels like your hurting me.

I see you as you smile at me,
and look into my eyes.
For once you've peeled off the mask,
that painted on disguise.
And I guess I wonder why,
if you'll show your true self to me,
then if love is such a great thing,
why can't you let it be?

I hear you as you taunt me,
but I don't listen to you.
Because I know that you don't mean harm,
by anything you do.
You tease me constantly,
and tickle me when they don't look,
I know so much about your love,
that I could write a book.

I love it when you look at me,
when you're peaking through the blinds,
when you're sneaking another glance at me,
and sometimes I still wonder why.
I wonder if love's so great,
then why is it like this?
With me worrying about you,
longing for a kiss.

I love it when you smile at me,
when you look into my eyes,
when I become distant in your arms,
and peel off your disguise.
When you let me get close to you,
but then you push away,
I say it's not my fault,
and then hold on for another day.

I love it when you taunt me,
it shows me that you care.
And when you tickle me on my side,
I know that you'll be there.
And sometimes I wonder why,
if love is so great, then show me.
Love is so great, you've proved that,
and I want to let what'll be be.

Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by.

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

1 posted 2001-07-25 03:05 PM

Nicely done. I truly enjoyed this one. The flow was good. I especially liked the last stanza.

DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

2 posted 2001-07-25 03:23 PM

For some strange reason I pictured a Romeo and Juliet scene where it seems that hiding the Love for a reason known to them both. I can't really explain it, but I can explain this. That this is a wonderful piece, brings out the question of love very and obvisously with your feelings. Ever writtne a book on this subject?? /Nick/

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

3 posted 2001-07-25 03:36 PM

I like this one. I liked the repetition you used. It helped this piece alot. Good job.
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

holatuwol
Member

since 2001-04-27

Posts 72
California, USA

4 posted 2001-07-25 10:03 PM

You know, out of all of the pieces that you've written so far, this one seems to stand out against the rest... at least, that's the impression that I got when I read this poem; the others just sort of vanished from memory and paled in comparison.  In my humble opinion, this is your best work to date... well, out of the ones you've posted anyway. ^_^;  Who knows what masterpieces people hide and leave unposted, eh?

Anyway, I thought the poem flowed pretty well, despite the near-induction of a cyclic flow from all of the repetition.  A lot of the words and grammatical structures are repeated, but the repetition served the purpose of keeping the reader on track without creating an internal cycle.  It's sort of strange when repetition doesn't create a cycle... but nevertheless, it was quite an interesting piece...

The major thing I had against the poem (I have something against everything... don't mind me... I'm hard to please) is that the last four lines of the poem seemed completely detached from an otherwise neatly flowing poem.  The echo of those last four lines seemed confused, while all the lines that preceeded it provided a much more confident air to them... a faulty flow and echo break around the last four lines sort of weakened the poem as a whole... even though the problem was just in those four lines, it sort of affected the entire poem.

Overall, the last four lines are interesting in of themselves... but they don't work well with this particular poem... it just didn't flow and echo the same way as the previous lines and there was nothing to indicate that those last lines would change the way the rest of the poem read in any way. ^^;  I don't know if what I said makes sense... but... that's the only thing that I really have against the poem. ^_^;

Overall, a peaceful soft pleasant image was very well-painted in this piece... it seemed wistful, in a way, and yet focused in another sense... the last four lines could be adjusted to flow better into the previous lines (I have really no idea how... not much of an expert on how to make things flow...), and this poem would be pretty much perfect. ^_^  But, the images painted were nice... and definitely a good piece of writing that you could potentially be proud of.  Until next time... hope to read more of your work.

- holatuwol

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-07-26 01:32 AM

Allysa- This is most definetly your best write ever. I absolutely love it. The image of him stealing peaks at you through the blinds was incredible. Something I though I'd say though... You said:
"When you let me get close to you,
but then you push away,
I say it's not my fault,
and then hold on for another day."
I wanted to support you. You are right. It's not your fault at all! Don't forget that. Guys are odd ( Girls too..but in the case its the guy) He could be pushing away cause he knows he's too attatched and doesn't want to get even MORE attatched, been hurt vefore and is afraid of it happening again....Etc. But ya- not your fault.
Anyway- EXCELLENT write here. I love it. I'm highly impressed.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-07-26 02:03 AM

this was a nice write...i REALLY liked it...your expression of this situation was well written...esp the part similar to jesa said...but the part where peaking another glance...that hit me in a way...great poem...bye Allysa

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

7 posted 2001-07-26 02:04 PM

Thank you all!
If I ever give Justin another poem,
it'll probably be this one,
unless I write something better.
But, then again,
that's a big IF>

Well, bye.

Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2001-07-26 04:09 PM

Great job on this one Allysa, a wonderful poem!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

9 posted 2001-07-31 12:18 PM

I loved this one, Allysa... The words are beautiful.. VERY cute the way you talked about stealing peaks, and stares. Aww.. the beginning of love *sigh*. I Loved this.. awesome work!

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

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