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Marshalzu
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0 posted 2002-03-03 04:33 PM


This is a bit of an old one which I've been saving for a rainy day, I've just touched it up a little but I've tried as far as possible to keep in it's raw state. There has also been a title change but since you didn't know what it was gonna be before I'm not going to spoil it.

There is however an alteria (sp?) motive for posting this poem as well as the fact that I'd like to share it with you all. Recently there has been a dramatic decrease in the number of replies in Teen #5 and although I speak for myself, I am sure other older members would agree that it is because the culture of replying to other peoples poetry has not been carried on by new and old members. So here I ask you if it would be possible for each of us to reply to at least three peoples poetry before we post our own poetry. Anyway I better post the poem before I'm gagged by the mods   

~ The Silence is so beautiful ~

A sense of betrayal from that which was not mine,
on a night of depressing thought strangling silence,
in drunken haze with a myriad of broken dreams,
lies infiltrate the darkness, penetrating deep,
old paranoia’s resume tunneling,
with drunken debauchery and searing pain,
driving thoughts of anger and bitterness,
deep in to black holes of the heartland,
culminating in gentle slumber amongst the fallen,
as the rivers of pain flow freely,
burning the gentle earth with raging fires,
and pity befalls me as the blades rise to meet me,
and the dreams fall away and the tears turn to rain.

Note: the referance to blades in line 12 refers to blades of grass and not to any bladed weapons.

See this through and leave my friend, the tears will come and I will end.

© Copyright 2002 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved
PoetryIsLife
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...in my boxers...
1 posted 2002-03-03 06:43 PM


Zu

Very dark, and very disturbing. And that, to me, means you aptly portrayed your feelings and emotions, so, for a moment, I began you in your drunken sorrow/pain. To me, there is nothing more a poet can do. Well deserved praise, once others reply.

These two lines, though, confused me:

A sense of betrayal from that which was not mine,
on a night of depressing thought strangling silence,

I like them, but I stumbled a bit over them.

old paranoia’s resume tunneling,
with drunken debauchery and searing pain,

Great imegry and word choice here. The tunneling bit... splendid.

as the rivers of pain flow freely,
burning the gentle earth with raging fires,
and pity befalls me as the blades rise to meet me,
and the dreams fall away and the tears turn to rain

Bravo! Bravo! Great ending... A pukka piece here. Cheers to you mate.

~ Titus

The One, The Only... The Titus.

Marshalzu
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2 posted 2002-03-03 06:52 PM


If I may explain about the first two lines, it's sort of deliberate, half mean't to be drunken ranting, half meant to be cumbersome and uneasy to read, I want the reader to have trouble with it, I was kind of considering putting commas in at every other word but It seemed a little too excessive and instead I decided on lumbering sentences. Thank you for the reply it is much appreciated

If you see this message I have just replied to your poem. I have poems as well *hint*

Skyfire
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3 posted 2002-03-03 06:52 PM


We've already had a discussion about you and your offbeat poetry, but this one is grand! We've had a discussion about your earlier poetry as well. Man... what can I say about it? You wrote it, so I love it! *shrugs* Thanks for the read!

(<>..<>)

Fred says: "I want to kees you... I want to biiite you..."

anonymousfemale
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
4 posted 2002-03-03 07:12 PM


Oh yay! A piece from Mister Zu.

I am loving this, I truly am. It's dark, it's depressing and most of all, it's from you so it HAS to be good.

There are quite a few good images in here. For example,

"in drunken haze with a myriad of broken dreams,"
That completely blew me away. I'm always a fan of broken dreams in pieces so it's captured a soft spot with me.

"as the rivers of pain flow freely,
burning the gentle earth with raging fires,
and pity befalls me as the blades rise to meet me,"
Fire, rivers...ooo...*pleasure overload* Wait, that sounds wrong. Anyway, it read really well there. Sort of morbidish which is always nice to see.

Tears falling to rain was another good image in there. Oh! The entire piece is one whole image fest!

I'm really impressed with the whole thing. Be proud.

~AF~

::Most people never listen::
Ernest Hemingway

Marshalzu
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5 posted 2002-03-04 05:55 PM


I'm very proud, I managed to get well an enthusiastic reply I must be doing something right Thanks for the replies.

If you see this message I have just replied to your poem. I have poems as well *hint*

Aerhercnian
Junior Member
since 2002-03-14
Posts 10
Listening
6 posted 2002-03-14 02:47 PM


I really enjoyed the read

And there stood Aechercnian silent and calm listening to the trees.

PoetryIsLife
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...in my boxers...
7 posted 2002-03-14 05:20 PM


Zu, it's great to see you posting again. I love looking around pip and seeing your nick here and there.... just about everywhere. Pukka, mate.

~ Titus

Will I ever forget what happened today?

Spine Grinder
Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...
8 posted 2002-03-14 05:32 PM


bravo i luv the dark imagery!!! great job zu, can't wait 2 see more!

~If u luv something, let it go,if it comes back 2 u, its urs, if it doesnt, it never wuz..~DMX

xShUgArHiGhx
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tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs
9 posted 2002-03-15 11:31 AM


OooOO Nice and dark I liked it a lot!!

iTs bEeN 1 Of ThOsE dAyZ 4 2 MaNY dAyZ nOw..I jUst NeEd a DaY whErE tHe WOrLd cAn tAkE cArE of ItsElf..

cherish
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since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........
10 posted 2002-03-16 04:13 AM


wow! youre getting darker then i am!!!!
this is truly awesome andy...you did an extremly good jobon the imagery...totaly blew me away with the whole entire piece. for you and this poem...and into the library it shall go!

....now where's my huggle?

Zombie

Torn are her limbs
By quiet hands that
Tug life(color) out of her.
Gnawing edges round
Into a broken(satisfying)
Shadow

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