»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Boomerang
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Boomerang |
|
|
Missthang Member
since 2001-07-03
Posts 103 |
I think this is one of the worst "things" I have ever written. I think I got my message out ok but for some reason it just doesn't sound right. Do me a big favor and rip this "poem" to shreds and help me make it better. Boomerang If you throw a boomerang, it'll always come back. And hit you in the head with a loud smack. Frustrated, you may want to throw it again but with more power. Only for it to return faster and hit you even harder. You may then want to throw it as hard as you can. But you know what, it'll just come back again; faster than it ever has and hit you harder than it ever will! Why can't you throw a boomerang and have it stay away? Well my friend, you're going about this the wrong way! If you keep throwing it then yeah you'll be relieved for the few seconds it's in the air but it's bound to return. You have to hold it, realize that it's in your hands and under your control!! Then you break it accross you knee and throw it away. For who ever heard of a part of a boomerang coming back to you? So what's your boomerang? I know the one for me! And I'm anticipating taking it and breaking it accross my knee!! |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Adamma Bankhead - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
Obviously a lot of emotion behind this. Its...alright..I guess. One gripe I've got is that you didn't stick with your rhyme scheme. Some parts had it, some didn't. Also, some of the lines were too long. Try making them shorter...short lines that say directly the thing tend to work well with the emotion this poems uses (anger). Don't give it up. No poem is a bad poem...some just need more work than others. If you want help with it, e-mail me, and I might be able to help you tweak it a bit. -Kosetsu (seijaku_kosetsu@yahoo.com) P.S. Welcome to PIP "Love, like the Rose is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown |
||
Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
There is nothing horrible about that poem. I really liked the image of a boomerang. Nice job! |
||
|
DarkenedShadow Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 114Kansas |
Dang Boomerangs!! Ya I got a few boomerangs I can break over my knee too. I liked the image you gave about the head smacking part. /Nick/ |
||
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
I'm w/ Nick...Man I'd love to break those damn boomerangs across my knee...Then glue em back and break em again. HeHe... (Frustrated- can you tell? haha) Anyway- I liked this alot. THought you did a great job. The format could be done a lil better though. [This message has been edited by Spice (edited 07-23-2001).] |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well you asked to critique a bit further.... I thought the flow was VERY off. Some lines were long as heck and others were short. I really think the format needs to be correcting and then you may proceed to correct the scheme of it all. The basic meaning was interpreted fine. I hope to see it done nicely soon.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
you know the thing with this poem is that it read too much like prose...so id try and put some form into it....you did well with the content and the images..but adding a bit of format should put you right..  "Killer in me is a killer in you, my love |
||
|
Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
I was wondering what happened to this poem. Missthang, you never replied to my reply to your e-mail asking me to help you on the poem... -Kosetsu "Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown |
||
|
JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
OK. This was ok. First off, the FLOW was so off, it seemed as though you didnt care about the format and or how the poem read. You had good emotion behind it, but it just needs to be fixed up to be really good. SOme lines were way to long and needed to be split up, and other lines were to short.. Ok? try it and see how it comes out.  ~Jeff~ "Within you I lose myself Without you I find myself Wanting to be lost again." [This message has been edited by JBaker515 (edited 07-27-2001).] |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
You do realise that not all boomerangs come back, right? There has to be an element of skill involved to make it do such a thing. Everyone else has offered some good pointers to help you fix up this piece. I hope you take some of those ideas because with a little formatting, this could be a really good poem. ~AF~ "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I liked this.. but you want feedback, and I'm going to give you feedback.. I'll rip it apart!  First of all, the lines are too long for the poem. I would suggest breaking each line up, and making 4 lines in a stanza. That will not only help the flow, but make the rhyme scheme more evident. This would make the first two stanzas: "If you throw a boomerang, it'll always come back. And hit you in the head with a loud smack. Frustrated, you may want to throw it again but with more power. Only for it to return faster, and hit you even harder." I really liked the way you wrote the beginning... the rhyme scheme is very well done, and the flow works out well. However, from here on, the abcb rhyme disappears, and there's no rhyme at all. I would suggest going back and fixing that. Making the stanzas should make it easier to work with. Good luck in revisions.. maybe you could repost it when you're done and let us see what the finished product turned out to be. Thanks for sharing --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
