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Wood_Stock
Member

since 2001-05-09

Posts 58
The little yellow

0 posted 2001-07-22 03:22 AM

-Shattered Mirrors-

Raindrops fall from the sky,
A teardrop rolls down from your eye.
The salty dew then stings soft skin,
As a burning sadness glows within.

Buttered up, with sweetened lies,
Makes the big comedown a greater crime.
But before two drops have left your face,
Force a smile, avoid disgrace.

Inside your head the thunder claps,
A storm is brewing upon your back.
The lightning rod, shoots through your mind,
As eyes light up, from behind.

Grey clouds obscure the suns clean light,
And for just a moment, the day turns night.
With quiet determination, you shut them out,
Dream of a quiet peace, not a constant shout.

And you stare at me, as I stare at you,
A shattered reflection, of a shattered truth.
The mirror cracks and takes the blame,
A bloodied fist is all that's left, to reflect the pain.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd be interested to hear what people thought this one was about....

Wood_Stock

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

1 posted 2001-07-22 05:04 AM

I loved your last stanza,
infact the whole thing was really great...
wonderfull written,
a good read

ALLIE

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

2 posted 2001-07-22 10:15 PM

WOO!! It rocks! This one was awesome Wood Stock. I think this is the first I've read from you, and I'm definitely impressed. Keep it up.

-Kosetsu

"Love, like the Rose, is desired. And like the Rose, Love has its thorns." - Unknown

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2001-07-22 10:49 PM

Wow. You have a really cool theme here (nice title,hehe) and your rhyming was great! I love it!

-hael

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

4 posted 2001-07-23 03:06 PM

Allrigth I'm going to take a long shot at this and guess that this was about a relationship between you and another person. Also about a battle between yourself. Could I be wrong?? /Nick/

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-07-24 12:12 PM

Ok well I really loved the poem. Thought you wrote is awesomely. I think the very lastline had too many syllables and kind of forced. I think you should take out some words, maybe 2 of them to establish a better ending.

"But before two drops have left your face,
Force a smile, avoid disgrace."- Here you seem to say that crying is a disgrace and to fake being happy. I disagree with that.

Other than all that, I found the poem to be exceptional.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

6 posted 2001-07-24 07:40 PM

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I agree w/ Dopey's suggestions, but other than that, it was great!

I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

7 posted 2001-07-29 02:18 AM

Hi there, Noel.

Okay, the poem was well written.  The flow throughout is overall pretty good... there were a few places where when reading it aloud you have to rush the meter, and run words together in the process.  I think the opening is choppy.  Maybe you could add the word "down" in the first line, and repeat that word, emphasizing that word in both lines.  Making it:
"Raindrops fall down from the sky,
A teardrop rolls down from your eye."
That will help the flow there.  It reads better that way.. The rushed meter occurs in the second stanza for the first time.  The first two lines of that staza read:
"Buttered up, with sweetened lies,
Makes the big comedown a greater crime."
You have to rush that second line in order to get all the words into the rhythm you have going in the poem.  This also happens at the end of the fourth stanza.  It reads:
"With quiet determination, you shut them out,
Dream of a quiet peace, not a constant shout."
I think you could take out the first "a" in the second line, and that might somewhat fix the flow problem there.  Again, the rushing happens on the last line of the poem.  I highly suggest you fix that, because the ending is always the strongest part of the poem.  That means in technical poetry, the ending should have the best flow.
I really loved the context of this poem.  The two lines that really stuck out to me were:
"And you stare at me, as I stare at you,
A shattered reflection, of a shattered truth."
I loved the way you contrasted those... nicely done thoughout.  I really enjoyed this.  The symbolism and the imagery were excellent.
Nice work

Hope to see more soon.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

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