Expanse of "Untitled" - pipTalk Forums

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Teen Poetry #5

Expanse of "Untitled"

a.k.a.maLa
Junior Member

since 2001-06-08

Posts 15
Florida, USA

0 posted 2001-07-22 01:32 AM

Excuse me...
...Can I fly away from here?
Self-imposed angst and wicked stares
Are all I see as I gaze into that looking glass
My innocence is hanging on a cross
I would speak but my words are lost
I search for my smile as I stare at you now
I can't find it and I don't know how
Maybe this is all is a hallucination
I would pray but my voice is gone
You think that you know me but you don't
I wish that could change; but I know it won't
I'm scared that you found the girl of your dreams
You don't think I'm that girl but I'm not what I seem
I have everything but you don't care
I'm so perfect except that I'm not there

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

1 posted 2001-07-22 05:11 AM

This is a really good poem I really enjoyed it keep up the great work I can't wait to read more.
Lauren

Starnite
Junior Member

since 2001-07-05

Posts 41
Wisconsin

2 posted 2001-07-23 10:58 AM

It made the 1st part of it seem complete. I like it better now than before. Hope you keep the post coming.

**Sarah

DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

3 posted 2001-07-23 11:35 AM

This extended version gives more life to the beginning idea and, gives more of a sense of feeling and I enjoyed it vey much... /Nick/

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-07-24 12:00 PM

I really liked the last line of this whole thing. I thought you did just fine on this poem.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

Somewhere out there a cow is laughing at you

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-07-28 09:00 PM

Awesome work. I really enjoyed this... the extension works very well. My favorite lines were: "I have everything but you don't care/I'm so perfect except that I'm not there" There's so much that can be behind those words... nicely done. I look forward to seeing more.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

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